Still Life

National Service, 2 year 2 months down the drain. The prime of my life, just graduated, full of energy, eagerness, life and smiles.
All that…gone.
Now, before this time ends, I have to learn to pick myself up, to bring my life back to the way it was. After all, they do say that in your life, there will always be some time when your will is fully tested. I dun want this episode to ‘kill’ me, I have too much to lose, and already I have changed into a person that I dun like, cynical, less trusting, selfish, bitter.
I read something in a philosophical book on why people take photographs, there was a quote by Robert Adams;

“….They must have come from a more thoughtful person, one who suffered enough to learn.”

He said that the more creative works were always said to come from artists that were going through a rough patch in their life. And junhao also agrees with that in terms of rock bands I guess, he always did say that the good albums recorded were always because the whole rockers’ lives were in a mess.
So it seems that passion, inspirations, and downright works of character are only more easily grasped by an artist with a lack of happy pills. Note I used the word artist loosely, for I do not claim to be an artist only a person who wishes to create some form of personnel expression like everyone else.
But there is a problem; so far, that theory isn’t doing anything for me. Maybe it will come…..sooner or later.
Here is a still life photo that I scanned from Andrew Sanders book on Home photography, according to him, an artist have to be happy, in order for him to create. Haha….well, each person are entitled to their own methods.
And currently my muse is both my girl and classical music, Chopin, Yo Yo Ma, Bach, Nigel kennedy, Vivaldi….etc etc. i get most ideas with these players beside me.

Back to ‘life’

Hello everyone, I am back to office….the past 4 days of freedom has sort of given me mixed feelings. Many things happen that I rather did not, but many things happen that i was very happy about, thus the mixed feelings.
Well, lets start with the bad and end with the good shall we?
The bad.
Had a quarrel with one disgrace of a sales person. Solved nothing. I think I handled the situation pretty badly…but its more or less over and I dun wan to let it bother me….and I sure would tell all my frens to never go that shop again. It’s a shop somewhere in heeren’s annex…..btw I hate people’s buttcheeks if you get what I mean….Its really a joke how some sales people can think its alright to quarrel with an unsatisfied customer about who was in the wrong….ridiculous… at the point I was so into trying to quarrel with him that I did not realize that I did not really need to abide to anything, and that he was the one who needed apologizing to the full extend for making my life hard…like I said …I did not handle the situation the way I would have liked to..
My sandals fell apart on me….when on the way to her house the sole just stay on the ground while my feet left the ground….not my day…..had to pick it up and wobble to her house…the other sole fell out subsequently, arghhhh really pissing. The day was freaking humid too….was sweating my socks off..(I did not have any socks….just a figurative speech)
My chalet weekend with her. Ok for everyone’s information this topic doesn’t really belong to the bad category cause It is always nice to spend time with her, but this is to just point out what went wrong to make this whole chalet a little less then perfect.
Rain. That’s one…
Rain. That’s two….
Its rained the last two chalet that we went to as well…..
Rain. That’s three…
She fell sick, as a result she could not enjoy it as much, because she was feeling puky most of the time. Poor girl.
The good.
I got my LF camera!!! Whooohoooooo!!!!!
I got a new Hand phone too!! Yippee!
I got a nice looking pair of sandals as well!!! Yeah!!!
And the chalet wasn’t all bad…I took some pics with the new phone...
I will write more about the Large Format camera that I got in the next post….life sure is getting more exciting….meeting lousy people and all….haha

Same old complains

Today is Thursday and it’s the last day of the week! Whooooppeeee! It’s a long weekend ahead, and I am sure going to try to make it a productive one at that. Will be going on a chalet with her on Sun! yeah! More fun things coming up, Wild Wild Wet!! That would be my first time stepping into wild wild wet….but she has to get a tankini(Bikini but with a tank top) first, it’s a new girly term that I just learned. Then on Monday I will be going to buy the 4x5 from Victor, I’m excited but at the same time a little reserved cause I dun want to be too disappointed in case that things dun turn out as plan and I dun get to buy the camera. Things like these always happen, and I hate having to wait more then I already have for a large format.
Just read a friend’s blog, she seems to be in quite a rug. She quit her job so that she could chase a dream and I believe from what I read is that it’s a lot harder to go about building that dream. For me, I wish she would along the way find some form of success in what she is trying to achieve in her live. But I have to admit that, I wish her success not only for her, but in a way I need to see her succeed, I need to see that it can be done, you can live a dream and still live a life at the same time.
Hmmm…its currently 10.30am and I have 7 more hours to go. Listen to me…I have become so desperate as to count the number of hours till off work. I started with counting down the months….’8 and half months….’ , then on to counting down the days…..as I got more desperate…..’231 more days….’ And now, I figure I needed some form of immediate gratification and so I have gone on to count the hours….’7 hrs……’ According to the majority of my colleagues, that’s like mental suicide, but…..but…..i cant help it!!!
Arhhhhh…..its like this addiction for freedom….and I am going through this period of cold turkey…haha( I once referred to that term as wet blanket….no idea y..)
If you read my blog, you will know this is actually about the only thing I am rather consistent about, my wanting to get out……I write about in almost every post, and this post is of course no exception, I just cant help it….its like word vomit.
My usual conversation goes like this….

Fren: hey guowen! How are you? You look tired..

Me: hello (so and so) ….sian lor….ns…..(*puffy cheeks sagging)

Fren: oh issit? Wat is your vocation?

Me: eh….clerk lor…(expecting the usual remarks)

Fren: clerk?.... good wat! So slack…at least you not chiong sua one(there it is…)…wah…I chiong until very tired ah…( he then goes on to tell me how tiring it is….but always there would be a hint of excitement and pride in his speech or so called complain)

Me: haha (fake laugh..) ya lor….clerk not bad…(lie….too tired to carry on the conversation…)

So you see, this blog really is my only outlet…..hardly anyone actually listens anymore, except maybe her and I cant be pouring out on her every time I meet her, and trust me I can do that….. So do try to pardon my same old complains.

guowen

me

Hey guys, munmun just started a blog! Haha nice….
I was packing my room yesterday!I actually started on it, was tidying up most of the magazines and wipe the shelf clean as well…..whoohoo…I actually acted, no more lazy sloth.
Anyway, I came across some of the first few serious photos that I took back in the days; I saw something that I did no realize back then when I printed the photos. I saw a subtle emotion in my photos, I am guessing that it’s something only I can see, dun really expect the same presence of feelings for others. These images made me smile, it gave me the feeling of a pat on my shoulder and I imagined a person behind me telling me not to worry. I have read so many how-to books on photography and seen many photographers’ works and along the way I got so lost in trying to get the best technical shots that I lost sight of the plain and simple feeling in my shots, my recent photos said nothing about myself, they did not make me smile.
These few photos may not be very good technically, they may not even look good to many but they mean the world to me, the past, the future and the present. They told me that it’s alright to mess things up and to look at life in a less complex manner. I shoot for myself and will continue to do so.






wen

cumbersome bliss - thats large format for ya.

234 days more. The month is April, 4th month of the year. I was told by many not to be counting down at such an early stage in my NS life. 8 months +++ is too long to start counting.
Ah well.....234 days more to go!!
I just read a book on view cameras that i borrowed from the library, there is a quote from a Photographer/ art historian Carl Chiarenza.
He said,
" The view camera photographer is forced into a contemplative mood while he works. See in this light the disadvantage of bulky equipment and accessories such as tripods becomes and advantage. It sets the pace for the seclusion under the dark cloth. Facing the ground glass, isolated, all of his facillities are centered on
the Luminous image. He cannot help being absorbed by the many possible realtions he can create within the movable frame. He loses himself in this world of light over which he can excercise a measure of control."
oooooo....i love Large format cameras....i cant wait to get the second hand toyo view camera from victor( the guy selling the cam) I have great plans for it guys, Still lifes, architecture and many more. I have lots of things to do and i have not actually acted on any of them....been very lazy.... first thing first, Packing 'my room', technically it is my sis's room, but she is studying medicine over at the land down under *australia, so....the room is mine!!! muahahaha. Packing the magazines, removing the teddybear frames and shelves. Organising my films and photos, printing the good ones.
Freedom will come soon.

wen

career change anyone?

Helo everyone, sorry about all the negative post these couple of days. I think I am going through an episode of self-pity and mild depression. Dun get me wrong, life isn’t any better, I just feel a wee bit better after I went running with Junhao the other day. I needed some outlet for venting and what better way then venting it out physically. When I was running, I tired not to think about anything else but the next step and my finish line, and in a way, that was extremely therapeutic for me, although I wouldn’t have finish the run if not for junhao telling me that there was 200m more to go and that I should not give up just yet.
Me: “wah…..*pant…….junhao…*attempts to wave hand, but turn out like arms flailing around……I cannot already……no breath…….*pant pant…”
Jun: “dun give up!.....its just there only *points to a turn very very far away….2oo meters more only!”
Me:*think( WTF so far! 200 metres is so far away?!?!)*pant…pant
Jun: “breath in with your nose and breath out with your mouth”
Me: *think( I cant tell the freaking difference from breathing thru my mouth or nose!!! I am grasping for air as it is!!) ouch….blister pain….
Jun: ok….100 meters more…..
Me: *think (100 meters…..each step is about 0.5 m, *calculate amount in my mind…..a long long time later….wah….that’s a lot more steps to go….) *pant pant…..
Finish run…..
Me: *think(its over!!!! Whooopeee, I am never doing this again…..)
I have plans for a healthier lifestyle to distress and keep fit. Hope I keep to it.
I have been looking around the works from the new graduates from the various design schools in Singapore, they look good. I have not actually stepped into the market yet although it does feel like a long time since I graduated, I actually feel stale….haha.
Anyways, I saw lots of interesting design that aren’t exactly new but one could tell that they were from students being all attention grabbing and stuff. My friends and I were once like that, always frustrated with the usual design and trying to bring something young, fresh, inventive and original to the table. When I look at the new batch of Singaporean designers coming out, i almost feel a sense of lost, what we once were, these enthusiastic bunch of designers dreaming to take the design world by storm, and now, almost half the classmates that I once knew have given up on design, in less the a period of 3 years, in fact, some of them have totally changed their career direction and decided to change job line. Maybe for the better, reasons that I feel are more than justifiable. And to have seen these things actually happen and to talk to some on their frustration really does put some things into perspective.
Of course there are a handful of friends who actually stick to designing as a career. I applaud them. For me, I too have changed my career direction, like you all know I intend to do photography, an even riskier career move I presume.
After all that I have said, I cant help but feel that the same thing would happen to this batch of students coming out this year. A large group of them would try and go on as long as they can but would eventually give it up as well, who would blame them really?
But I do wish in my heart that a few strong and stubborn ones will really take the design world by storm, to not be afraid of losing their jobs, to be in heart, a true designer. Stubborn, a tad more proud then usual, passionate about their work and will not settle for any less. These are the quality I feel designers in Singapore lack. They are too afraid, too afraid to lose their jobs and not be able to find new ones. Too afraid to do anything different for fear of their work being rejected. When this happens, not only do the company or organization as a whole suffer but the designer himself will ultimately lose his sense of creativity. A designer who is afraid cannot attempt to claim himself a designer, he would just be a worker churning aesthetics, nothing more. I believe designers have to fight to get themselves respected in Singapore, it may be hard….but it’s the only way I can think of so far, to take an initiative in design, bring new ideas to the table, make the design your own, take charge and ……..never settle.
Good luck to the designers graduating. Don’t let the creative industry in Singapore go any lower then it already is.

guowen

smaller man

Here I am again. Sitting in a small rectangular room, suffocated of ideas, inspirations and anything that could help lift my spirit. I am questioning my ability to stay strong and focus when going through a rough patch. I read in some book somewhere that staying happy and cheerful helps a photographer or any other creative professional to be properly inspired, to be at the top of his game. I guess that only means that I have just hit rock bottom. I dun think of anything else but the 240 more days to go….I cannot think of anything but the time that passes ever so slowly….I try so hard to occupy myself with books on photography….surround myself with things that I so love, but I just cannot seem to clear my mind of how trapped I feel. I feel drained of all energy and spirit, ideas, enthusiasm, smiles and dreams. How can a year and a half do so much to me… How does everyone else handle it? I am pretty sure they are going through the exact same thing as me, maybe in different forms of torture but same magnitude I presume. What is different about me? Is it my inability to think on the brighter side of things? Is it my inability to tolerate any hardship?
Or is it just because I am a smaller man then everyone else?

guowen