Christmas is approaching; I did relatively well for my semester 1 of school, and my sis is coming home for Christmas. The more I think about Christmas the more I think about Kim, its been a few weeks since her passing, but I guess these feelings only come up cause it’s the ‘festive’ season, the bad always becomes worse and the good always becomes better, here I am playing Christmas songs, planning what to buy for Christmas’s presents and all I think can master is thinking of Kim. My family speaks of her once in a while, and it has been a habit for me to speak to her urn every morning when I wake up and at night before I sleep, giving her occasional kisses when I am leaving the house.
Just got to know that a course-mate of mine passed away recently in a freak accident that took 4 other lives along with his. I have friends who knew him well and they were all deeply saddened by the news. And I cant help but feel a sense of lost that just will not go away, I dun think it’s just for the 5 guys who passed away but for all that passed away in this year, this year of 2007. Munmun lost a grandmother and a close friend and I lost a family member, though some would say she was just a dog but she was my little sister. With all these that have happened, celebrating Christmas seems almost impossible. No matter how I try to go about my days, how I smile when I need to, how I laugh when I need to, there is still a hint of lost that aches so terribly sometimes that tears wells up. My parents have been nagging to throw away her bed that I kept under my own; in it I placed her towels, leash and shirt. I know they are asking to throw away cause they get sad too when they see the bed, but the thought of throwing away kim’s belongings kills me…. maybe in time.

Kim passed away on 3rd November 2007, 3.05 pm, a Saturday. She was found with a huge lump in her stomach, suspected spleen cancer. We couldn’t operate on her as her blood count was dropping at a very fast pace, the docs were afraid she would not wake up from the anesthetics. She was breathing in short forceful breaths the last few days and could not even stand or walk. We were advised to put her to sleep as there was ‘no hope’ for her to get any better, and we did.
I was awake the last night with her, and I had to literally lift her up to do her usual walk around in circles before urinating, she did that in my room, I was too depressed to be angry at her. She drops in and out of sleep the next few hours until the next afternoon when we brought her to the hospital. When she was at the hospital, her eyes seem to have a sudden life in them that was missing the last night, almost a quiet curiosity that was always her, it stop when the doc pumped the green lethal liquid into her body, she was looking at us when her eyes just went blank, even before the doc checked her heartbeat, I knew she was dead. I whispered quite a few things into her ear that moment, most importantly I told her – “find your way home.”
It’s been a few days; I would have occasional sadness that comes so suddenly. I would go about my usual stuff and forget that she isn’t around anymore, I would gaze across the floor, wanting to see where she is only to remember a split second later that she passed away, and my heart would sink.
She has been with us for 14 years, when I was 9 years old, everything I do in my house; every habit was cultivated with her in mind, how I would leave the toilet door ajar so that she could go in when she wants to, how we would leave some lights on and the windows open when we are leaving the house, so that she is not left in the dark and be able to breath, how we would always open a door slowly in case she is at the bottom, how we would check to see if she wants to come into the room when we are about the close the door, how I would wash the toilet floor once over before I step in, in case there was any of her dried up urine, I do all that even now…..
I miss her…I have never slept alone, in the past 14 years I have never slept alone.
I try to tell myself that she was in pain, and it was better she was put to sleep. But it doesn’t help, if I had a choice, it would have been after Christmas, at home in her bed with my sister home, she sleeps. I wanted that for her, not some cold doctor’s table, having to stretch her neck to see us behind her and dieing with her eyes open, not like that.