hello again old friend.

Hey, it’s been sometime since we chatted. How are you? I doubt anyone reads you anymore, seeing how I left you pretty much alone after Kim passed away. Honestly, it was somewhat of a symbolic gesture of mine, I did not want to write another post you see, it somehow felt like I am moving on after her death, just like how I wouldn’t change the wallpaper of her on my desktop, it’s still there. I know it sounds rather odd, but it felt important to me at the time. A few more months and it will be 2 years from her death.
We have gotten a new dog btw; her name is Belle, a Maltese. A very different dog, very temperamental, bites A LOT, extremely naughty, very inquisitive, too inquisitive I might add, she tried to bite a hornet to see what it taste like, and got stinged in the snout which later swelled up quite badly. It actually was quite funny, when she looked at me with a swollen lip.
It’s getting easier, I dun think about her that much, giving her urn occasional glances and wishing her a nice time in dog heaven. Sometimes I find myself trying to remember what she was like, trying to remember the unique smell she used to have that reminded me that I was home, I am slowly beginning to forget. I wonder if that’s a natural process, someone close dies - you mourn - its get easier and then you forget the details about them. I really wish it were different.
The reason I write now is so that you know things have changed a lot since that last time we chatted. I - have changed a lot; and perhaps in the next few post, we would get acquainted once again.

Christmas is approaching; I did relatively well for my semester 1 of school, and my sis is coming home for Christmas. The more I think about Christmas the more I think about Kim, its been a few weeks since her passing, but I guess these feelings only come up cause it’s the ‘festive’ season, the bad always becomes worse and the good always becomes better, here I am playing Christmas songs, planning what to buy for Christmas’s presents and all I think can master is thinking of Kim. My family speaks of her once in a while, and it has been a habit for me to speak to her urn every morning when I wake up and at night before I sleep, giving her occasional kisses when I am leaving the house.
Just got to know that a course-mate of mine passed away recently in a freak accident that took 4 other lives along with his. I have friends who knew him well and they were all deeply saddened by the news. And I cant help but feel a sense of lost that just will not go away, I dun think it’s just for the 5 guys who passed away but for all that passed away in this year, this year of 2007. Munmun lost a grandmother and a close friend and I lost a family member, though some would say she was just a dog but she was my little sister. With all these that have happened, celebrating Christmas seems almost impossible. No matter how I try to go about my days, how I smile when I need to, how I laugh when I need to, there is still a hint of lost that aches so terribly sometimes that tears wells up. My parents have been nagging to throw away her bed that I kept under my own; in it I placed her towels, leash and shirt. I know they are asking to throw away cause they get sad too when they see the bed, but the thought of throwing away kim’s belongings kills me…. maybe in time.

Kim passed away on 3rd November 2007, 3.05 pm, a Saturday. She was found with a huge lump in her stomach, suspected spleen cancer. We couldn’t operate on her as her blood count was dropping at a very fast pace, the docs were afraid she would not wake up from the anesthetics. She was breathing in short forceful breaths the last few days and could not even stand or walk. We were advised to put her to sleep as there was ‘no hope’ for her to get any better, and we did.
I was awake the last night with her, and I had to literally lift her up to do her usual walk around in circles before urinating, she did that in my room, I was too depressed to be angry at her. She drops in and out of sleep the next few hours until the next afternoon when we brought her to the hospital. When she was at the hospital, her eyes seem to have a sudden life in them that was missing the last night, almost a quiet curiosity that was always her, it stop when the doc pumped the green lethal liquid into her body, she was looking at us when her eyes just went blank, even before the doc checked her heartbeat, I knew she was dead. I whispered quite a few things into her ear that moment, most importantly I told her – “find your way home.”
It’s been a few days; I would have occasional sadness that comes so suddenly. I would go about my usual stuff and forget that she isn’t around anymore, I would gaze across the floor, wanting to see where she is only to remember a split second later that she passed away, and my heart would sink.
She has been with us for 14 years, when I was 9 years old, everything I do in my house; every habit was cultivated with her in mind, how I would leave the toilet door ajar so that she could go in when she wants to, how we would leave some lights on and the windows open when we are leaving the house, so that she is not left in the dark and be able to breath, how we would always open a door slowly in case she is at the bottom, how we would check to see if she wants to come into the room when we are about the close the door, how I would wash the toilet floor once over before I step in, in case there was any of her dried up urine, I do all that even now…..
I miss her…I have never slept alone, in the past 14 years I have never slept alone.
I try to tell myself that she was in pain, and it was better she was put to sleep. But it doesn’t help, if I had a choice, it would have been after Christmas, at home in her bed with my sister home, she sleeps. I wanted that for her, not some cold doctor’s table, having to stretch her neck to see us behind her and dieing with her eyes open, not like that.

Today the guys and i found an old OLIVETTI typewriter at a lonely alley beside weelock while doing our photo ethnography. We were contemplating getting it when a uncle shouted to us and asked us to take it if we were interested, he was going to throw it away anyway, and so the few of us took turn and logged the whole thing to the car intending it to be a class artifact...what a find.

school starts

School started some time back, been too busy to write anything. Met some new friends in school, talented bunch of people, a breath of fresh air for me. I guess that’s what school always does for people. There is an air about that infects you, pushes you to get things done you never gave a second thought to. A melting pot of creative vibe spreads through our conversations seeding thoughts of childlike idealisms and imagination. For now, the threat of money and job insecurities seem so far away, maybe somehow, I willed myself to stop thinking and stressing myself over something I have not much control over.

There is a song I heard, ‘People watching’ by Jack Johnson, he sings a line that read “we are only as lonely as we want it to be …” just thought it was a nice phrase to share if ever anyone feels a little alone.

For the past few years, after leaving polytechnic, I had this feeling like I lost something, but I just couldn’t put a finger on it, until just earlier I read a friend’s blog, an inspirational friend to say the least. I did not lose anything, I just gained fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of looking stupid, fear of seeming childish, fear of having not enough money….fearof loving too much, fear of loving too little... fear.

Life recently have been somewhat like a roller-coaster ride for me, not as smooth as I am used to, it hit a all new low just a few weeks ago…then it went up alittle to free fall slightly again. I dun know if it’s the fact that I have too much time to mull over these things or it’s just a whole new level of consciousness that I have never felt as a carefree brat. I have been taking myself far too seriously ever since I entered the National Service. I know I haven not been writing any happy news in this blog, but that’s wat this blog is to me, it’s an outlet for me to voice out when I am unhappy about something, when I do get happy….well..you wun hear it or read it to be exact, I would just be too happy smiling to actually write anything. So…if anyone is slightly irritated that I seem so pessimistic and negative, dun hold your breath for things to look up in this blog…we dun wan you dieing of suffocation.
Today was a bad day. Things got a little out of hand again. I have nothing much going on for me right now, and the few things that was good has turned slightly sour, but it did make me stop to wonder how I have been acting around them, how things can change so much in just a few years. I have never been a fan of change though I am known to change interests quite regularly, I always like the things around me to stay the same, for everyone to remain where they are but of course that is not only idealistic, its impossible. All I have to do now is accept the fact that people change, times change, and that I change too. So the question is do you hold on to what makes you happy and pray to god it stays the same or do you set it free and see what happens?
I just bought the latest Bon Jovi Cd, it was as if they made the CD just for me, their songs always did hit a chord with me. It is times like this that I really feel the real magic of music, it’s not just the tune that evokes a certain memory or the voice that gets your blood pumping, it’s also the words that make your heart cry.
Will things get better after today? I dun think so, will I try harder? Yes.


PS: sorry to the people who bother reading my blog, to read about negative things can be contagious and i hope and sincerely wish that this blog does not spoil your day. If things does look up for me, you will not read it from this blog but see it in my smile.

I dun really know how I should feel now. Everything I grew up believing in is just tumbling down like a deck of cards. My family isn’t holding and I dun have the courage and strength to keep it together. I cannot see a course of action that I can take that could possibly help the already bad situation.

There isn’t a forever, if one does not try to fight for it and sacrifice whatever they have. My family is falling apart all because of wrong decisions made along the way. Who can we blame? Suddenly I dun feel all the anger and righteous convictions that I said I would feel in such a situation, all I feel is a deep sense of lost and sadness that I am helpless to. There is so many things that I wish I was brave enough to say but I know when I try, it will only come out all wrong and skewed with tears and anguish. I am the man in the family but I dun have a clue on what I should do, only to be by her side when it happens.