poolopingdays

hello again old friend.

2009-07-22T02:01:00.001+08:00

Hey, it’s been sometime since we chatted. How are you? I doubt anyone reads you anymore, seeing how I left you pretty much alone after Kim passed away. Honestly, it was somewhat of a symbolic gesture of mine, I did not want to write another post you see, it somehow felt like I am moving on after her death, just like how I wouldn’t change the wallpaper of her on my desktop, it’s still there. I know it sounds rather odd, but it felt important to me at the time. A few more months and it will be 2 years from her death.
We have gotten a new dog btw; her name is Belle, a Maltese. A very different dog, very temperamental, bites A LOT, extremely naughty, very inquisitive, too inquisitive I might add, she tried to bite a hornet to see what it taste like, and got stinged in the snout which later swelled up quite badly. It actually was quite funny, when she looked at me with a swollen lip.
It’s getting easier, I dun think about her that much, giving her urn occasional glances and wishing her a nice time in dog heaven. Sometimes I find myself trying to remember what she was like, trying to remember the unique smell she used to have that reminded me that I was home, I am slowly beginning to forget. I wonder if that’s a natural process, someone close dies - you mourn - its get easier and then you forget the details about them. I really wish it were different.
The reason I write now is so that you know things have changed a lot since that last time we chatted. I - have changed a lot; and perhaps in the next few post, we would get acquainted once again.

2007-11-29T00:34:00.000+08:00

Christmas is approaching; I did relatively well for my semester 1 of school, and my sis is coming home for Christmas. The more I think about Christmas the more I think about Kim, its been a few weeks since her passing, but I guess these feelings only come up cause it’s the ‘festive’ season, the bad always becomes worse and the good always becomes better, here I am playing Christmas songs, planning what to buy for Christmas’s presents and all I think can master is thinking of Kim. My family speaks of her once in a while, and it has been a habit for me to speak to her urn every morning when I wake up and at night before I sleep, giving her occasional kisses when I am leaving the house.
Just got to know that a course-mate of mine passed away recently in a freak accident that took 4 other lives along with his. I have friends who knew him well and they were all deeply saddened by the news. And I cant help but feel a sense of lost that just will not go away, I dun think it’s just for the 5 guys who passed away but for all that passed away in this year, this year of 2007. Munmun lost a grandmother and a close friend and I lost a family member, though some would say she was just a dog but she was my little sister. With all these that have happened, celebrating Christmas seems almost impossible. No matter how I try to go about my days, how I smile when I need to, how I laugh when I need to, there is still a hint of lost that aches so terribly sometimes that tears wells up. My parents have been nagging to throw away her bed that I kept under my own; in it I placed her towels, leash and shirt. I know they are asking to throw away cause they get sad too when they see the bed, but the thought of throwing away kim’s belongings kills me…. maybe in time.

2007-11-08T00:48:00.000+08:00

Kim passed away on 3rd November 2007, 3.05 pm, a Saturday. She was found with a huge lump in her stomach, suspected spleen cancer. We couldn’t operate on her as her blood count was dropping at a very fast pace, the docs were afraid she would not wake up from the anesthetics. She was breathing in short forceful breaths the last few days and could not even stand or walk. We were advised to put her to sleep as there was ‘no hope’ for her to get any better, and we did.
I was awake the last night with her, and I had to literally lift her up to do her usual walk around in circles before urinating, she did that in my room, I was too depressed to be angry at her. She drops in and out of sleep the next few hours until the next afternoon when we brought her to the hospital. When she was at the hospital, her eyes seem to have a sudden life in them that was missing the last night, almost a quiet curiosity that was always her, it stop when the doc pumped the green lethal liquid into her body, she was looking at us when her eyes just went blank, even before the doc checked her heartbeat, I knew she was dead. I whispered quite a few things into her ear that moment, most importantly I told her – “find your way home.”
It’s been a few days; I would have occasional sadness that comes so suddenly. I would go about my usual stuff and forget that she isn’t around anymore, I would gaze across the floor, wanting to see where she is only to remember a split second later that she passed away, and my heart would sink.
She has been with us for 14 years, when I was 9 years old, everything I do in my house; every habit was cultivated with her in mind, how I would leave the toilet door ajar so that she could go in when she wants to, how we would leave some lights on and the windows open when we are leaving the house, so that she is not left in the dark and be able to breath, how we would always open a door slowly in case she is at the bottom, how we would check to see if she wants to come into the room when we are about the close the door, how I would wash the toilet floor once over before I step in, in case there was any of her dried up urine, I do all that even now…..
I miss her…I have never slept alone, in the past 14 years I have never slept alone.
I try to tell myself that she was in pain, and it was better she was put to sleep. But it doesn’t help, if I had a choice, it would have been after Christmas, at home in her bed with my sister home, she sleeps. I wanted that for her, not some cold doctor’s table, having to stretch her neck to see us behind her and dieing with her eyes open, not like that.

2007-10-05T23:36:00.000+08:00

Today the guys and i found an old OLIVETTI typewriter at a lonely alley beside weelock while doing our photo ethnography. We were contemplating getting it when a uncle shouted to us and asked us to take it if we were interested, he was going to throw it away anyway, and so the few of us took turn and logged the whole thing to the car intending it to be a class artifact...what a find.

school starts

2007-09-27T16:52:00.000+08:00

School started some time back, been too busy to write anything. Met some new friends in school, talented bunch of people, a breath of fresh air for me. I guess that’s what school always does for people. There is an air about that infects you, pushes you to get things done you never gave a second thought to. A melting pot of creative vibe spreads through our conversations seeding thoughts of childlike idealisms and imagination. For now, the threat of money and job insecurities seem so far away, maybe somehow, I willed myself to stop thinking and stressing myself over something I have not much control over.

There is a song I heard, ‘People watching’ by Jack Johnson, he sings a line that read “we are only as lonely as we want it to be …” just thought it was a nice phrase to share if ever anyone feels a little alone.

For the past few years, after leaving polytechnic, I had this feeling like I lost something, but I just couldn’t put a finger on it, until just earlier I read a friend’s blog, an inspirational friend to say the least. I did not lose anything, I just gained fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of looking stupid, fear of seeming childish, fear of having not enough money….fearof loving too much, fear of loving too little... fear.

2007-07-03T00:57:00.001+08:00

Life recently have been somewhat like a roller-coaster ride for me, not as smooth as I am used to, it hit a all new low just a few weeks ago…then it went up alittle to free fall slightly again. I dun know if it’s the fact that I have too much time to mull over these things or it’s just a whole new level of consciousness that I have never felt as a carefree brat. I have been taking myself far too seriously ever since I entered the National Service. I know I haven not been writing any happy news in this blog, but that’s wat this blog is to me, it’s an outlet for me to voice out when I am unhappy about something, when I do get happy….well..you wun hear it or read it to be exact, I would just be too happy smiling to actually write anything. So…if anyone is slightly irritated that I seem so pessimistic and negative, dun hold your breath for things to look up in this blog…we dun wan you dieing of suffocation.
Today was a bad day. Things got a little out of hand again. I have nothing much going on for me right now, and the few things that was good has turned slightly sour, but it did make me stop to wonder how I have been acting around them, how things can change so much in just a few years. I have never been a fan of change though I am known to change interests quite regularly, I always like the things around me to stay the same, for everyone to remain where they are but of course that is not only idealistic, its impossible. All I have to do now is accept the fact that people change, times change, and that I change too. So the question is do you hold on to what makes you happy and pray to god it stays the same or do you set it free and see what happens?
I just bought the latest Bon Jovi Cd, it was as if they made the CD just for me, their songs always did hit a chord with me. It is times like this that I really feel the real magic of music, it’s not just the tune that evokes a certain memory or the voice that gets your blood pumping, it’s also the words that make your heart cry.
Will things get better after today? I dun think so, will I try harder? Yes.

PS: sorry to the people who bother reading my blog, to read about negative things can be contagious and i hope and sincerely wish that this blog does not spoil your day. If things does look up for me, you will not read it from this blog but see it in my smile.

2007-06-15T11:46:00.000+08:00

I dun really know how I should feel now. Everything I grew up believing in is just tumbling down like a deck of cards. My family isn’t holding and I dun have the courage and strength to keep it together. I cannot see a course of action that I can take that could possibly help the already bad situation.

There isn’t a forever, if one does not try to fight for it and sacrifice whatever they have. My family is falling apart all because of wrong decisions made along the way. Who can we blame? Suddenly I dun feel all the anger and righteous convictions that I said I would feel in such a situation, all I feel is a deep sense of lost and sadness that I am helpless to. There is so many things that I wish I was brave enough to say but I know when I try, it will only come out all wrong and skewed with tears and anguish. I am the man in the family but I dun have a clue on what I should do, only to be by her side when it happens.

2007-06-09T12:30:00.000+08:00

Acquiesce: vrb

Assent, agree without protesting

Although she appeared to acquiesce to her employer’s suggestions, I could tell she had reservations.

Nothings changed, I am still waiting. Last night I could not sleep a wink because of a bunch of relentless mosquitoes sucking the majority of my blood leaving me oddly pale when I woke up in the morning... Due to my insomnia, I tried to disturb my dog from her beauty sleep but was unsuccessful as she gave me an unappreciative look and when straight back to her previous position immune to any tussle afterwards.

After tossing from bed to floor fanning off the evil mosquitoes, one would realize the amount of retrospective thoughts that an insomniac has to suffer is over whelming causing the prolonging of such a sad state of affair.

On a similarly pessimistic look, how does one surround himself with friends and love ones and still manage to feel lonely? What would be the main contributing factor of such a contradicting and unsatisfiable emotion? Perhaps the song “Twentysomething” by Jamie Cullem best describes such irrational feelings.

Somewhere along the way from being a child to a teenager and now a young adult, a void was formed, a void which I have been desperately trying to fill with goals, ambitions, dreams and relationships. Perhaps the solution is as simple as contentment.

2007-05-25T11:55:00.000+08:00

Empirical: adj

derived from or guided by experience or experiment
depending upon experience or observation along, without using scientific method or theory, esp.as in medicine.
provable or verifiable by experience or experiment.

An empirically supported guess is that the ancestors of the arts arose in relation to the religious beliefs and practices which formed social bonds in the earliest human communities.

It’s been a while, recently my thoughts have been all over the place, guess that’s what happens when you stay home for such a long time…surviving on nothing but the companionship of a dog. I do meet up with friends and my girlfriend, but I guess it’s just isn’t the same if they were living a totally different life from me, its feels like I am on the outside peering at them going about their busy lives. And I can’t help but feel a little lonely. I feel like everything is just seeping away from me, that the ground is giving way…

I do try and keep myself busy, to make good use of the time I now have, and I always thought myself as a person who is more then capable of working alone…in fact I thought I was more suited to work alone then with a team…but it seems to be untrue. These few weeks have been like a form of mental torture. I consistently wake up from bad dreams to start the day alone.

I am sure I will find a way pass this period and to hopefully start school in august. I even resorted to listening to a piece of music that feels dangerously religious to try and keep my head above water for abit.

2007-04-23T23:44:00.000+08:00

Wherewithal: n.

Necessary funds, resources or equipment.

These people lack the wherewithal for a decent existence.

What is our greatest fear?

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.
We ask ourselves: Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking-
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some;
it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine,
we consciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

- Marianne Willimson, "A return to love"

2007-04-16T12:45:00.000+08:00

Succinct: adj

Marked by brevity and clarity, concise

Mark wanted to find a succinct way of conveying his ideas to the rest of the design team, in order to prevent any miscommunication or misinterpretation.

“People who live in relatively peaceful and stable parts of the world, who eat regularly and keep warm in winter, and who have many opportunities to exercise their human needs for creativity, enjoyment, friendship and the acquisition of knowledge, are very privileged historically speaking. It means they have a chance, if only they will take it, to be genuinely happy – providing they also work to try to make happy those who are less fortunate then themselves: for happiness cannot be complete if it co-exists with indifference to those who do not share it.”
-A.C.Grayling

2007-04-11T12:52:00.000+08:00

Euphemism: n
Euphemize: vrb

An inoffensive word or phrase substituted for one that is offensive and hurtful.

Sally used Euphemism in referring how incompetent Bob is at helping out in anything around the house.

“Freedom of expression means little unless it is conjoined with access to information. As Jesuits and mullahs know(‘Give me the boy until is is seven and I will give you the man,’ is a Jesuit motto), closing a mind by schooling it thoroughly and early into a particular world-view and thereafter limiting access to alternative views and inconvenient facts, is an excellent way to impose automatic and permanent censorship over the mind.”
-A.C.Grayling

2007-04-09T17:12:00.000+08:00

Saccharine: n

Excessively sweet; sugary

Sam always knew why he loved her; her saccharine smile would make him all high from her nostrum of happiness.

Packed my room today... waiting for the new books shelve to come and grace my room with its presence. It’s a hand-me-down gift from my aunt; hopefully it’s big enough for all my books and magazines. I even made a special place for myself in the room; a small wooden table with an arm chair facing the window... perfect. I am starting to notice that my room has very good light in the day, helps to have a window wall, floor to ceiling across the whole wall.

Recently, I was told by my girlfriend and best friend how much I have changed as a person. And to say the truth, I agree with them, I have become this bitter, austere and grumpy cynic. All these a veil to cover what I truly have become, a ‘boy’ who is afraid about almost everything the world has to offer, and mainly about growing up. It stops here.

2007-04-03T00:57:00.000+08:00

Jocular : adj

To be playful, humourous

Peter being his jocular self made a funny comment on how Sammy looked in the pink top

A new word I learnt this morning. My latest craze, to methodically improve my English both grammatically and vocabulary...ly(...i try...).

Btw I tendered my resignation in TCC, just to let you guys know not to try and find me there if you so happen to have a sudden urge for me to serve you just like max did.

My mom came to me just the other night and told me to consider not studying…..to find a job first and work for about a year or so before deciding if design was really for me... somehow I am certain this is one of her last ditch effort to divert me away from the imminent pauper lifestyle of the creative.

I am troubled my frens, I know you guys have your own problems and it was agreed between me and munmun that everyone will have to go through this lost phase in their lives. What should I do? Work or study? What should I do?

I dun expect you guys to choose for me…in fact I have heard many opinions about what they think in their “vast” amount of experience on what I should do. Hell, even my parents cannot agree on what I should do, both on opposing sides.

And then there is photography, I love it…still do….but there is just too much ‘buts’ for me to pursue it rite now.

On a more jocular* note, at the rate I am losing weight, it’s about high time I start taking those protein stuff that people who are obsessed with their bodies tend to digest. Lol its no use learning a new word, one has to learn to apply.

New pay

2007-02-09T23:33:00.000+08:00

Things I need to get with my new miserly pay from TCC. Realistically speaking, I know I will not be getting most of them from the coming pay in fact any of them but I never was a very “realistically inclined” kid.

- Book design (it’s a book on book design….hmmm I feel stupid having to explain this)

- Spot meter (have been wanting this since the start of time, well not exactly but I hope the point was brought through)

- Pen (those felt pen for writing nice curvy words with, been practicing my calligraphy)

- 4x5 film (I want to use my camera!!!)

- Headphones (for connecting to my handphone, listening to music and looking cool all at the same time)

- I was hoping to buy some toys, Dragons! And some cool looking figurines…..but I am not sure…..there is so many more important stuff to get…

- Last but the most important one, I hope to buy some drive. ( to be driven to work hard and have the guts to pursue anything I want…be it a lifestyle or a career or an interest even an idea. To be able to instill like drive no matter how little into my slothy self. I wan to work hard for the things I love. I want to start.

update

2007-02-07T22:59:00.000+08:00

Been some time eh?

Well…a little update on what’s going on in my life. After some failed job application attempts at places I planned to work in before I ORD, I decided not to be so picky (that was desperation) and I was heavily in debt, to my friends, family and many more.

So now, I am in TCC all the way at The Pier, Mhd Sultan. Takes me almost 2 hours on bus to get there….beggars can’t be choosers I suppose. I dun earn much but I get by… the working hours are rather flexible and so are the working days.

I guess some people would be wondering what I am doing about the photography career that I so eagerly announced before everything, My Great Plan for the Future as it seemed.

Things changed, and I know a handful of people would be giggling about it and saying “I told you so….” And yes I know some people like that…I haven exactly given up on it, well….i can’t give up on what I have yet to start on. I just chose to take another longer path, to the path I would deem as my “fall back”.
The dreaded phrase “My fall back” I told myself once when I was a young rebellious kid with no responsibilities in life, I dun wan to be scared, I dun want to be as fearful of failing as my parents, I dun want to be afraid to try and I dun wan to become another guy that succumb to the pressures of society. Big words for a very small boy.

Well here I am now, applying for a degree in laselle so as to have a “Fall back” something I can earn a safe money with while pursuing photography. Getting a degree so that I can be more valuable to people who wants to hire.

Here I am becoming my parents.

Now the question I ask myself is, is that so bad? You know….to become like your parents, I grew up thinking how much different I wan to be how much more I want to be, and I just end up right back where they started.
I know most people around me are lost one way or another, some more then others. And yes, so am I if you haven deciphered my encrypted text above.

Don’t you wish sometimes that you had a mentor with you? Someone you totally agree with 100% of the time and have done things you always dreamed off? This mentor guides you, believes in you and just tells you how much more you can be? But sadly, most people are not blessed with such a person in their lives, they tread the road on their own just like everyone else, only a few. These lucky few are often blessed with their own form of success.
Which might also explain why so many people turn to religion for answers, I guess everyone needs some form of support and guidance.

For me, I am like you guys, on my own. I make decisions, gambles if you may on what I think is best for me, best for my future. And if it so happens that I am wrong, then its up to me, my pride and ego to try an pick myself up and to muster what courage I have to try again. If not, I hope my future generations will find a better way around this dilemma called life and what to do with it. The cycle continues.

Ps: sorry I am so melodramatic about this whole issue, just felt like it.

Merry Christmas to all and one

2006-12-07T16:03:00.000+08:00

Well it’s the time of the year again. Time for a Christmas wish list, considering the fact that I am really running low on cash, I should have lots that I want eh?

Okay let’s start

A medium sized camera case, the ones with humidity control and stuff

A Book on how to shoot commercial still life, not sure what’s the title, not even sure if it’s selling anymore, worth a wish I presume.

A book called “Book Design” excellent book for a read, very in depth and informative, covering all you need to know from historical studies of layout concepts all the way to color proofing and book publishing.

A good pair of headphones, for my CD player (yes…I am still using a CD player)

A light meter, preferably a light and spot meter, 2 in 1.

Anyways, I have a few more days to my Official ORD, and I guess I am feeling the same way that most people out of NS feel, LOST. Its not that I dun know what to do, its just I dun know if what I am doing is right for me. Recently I have been feeling slightly detached from everyone, it’s like here I am standing, outside a bubble and looking at my friends and family live their lives, never a part of it. I never really got to talking to anyone about what’s going on in my head, because I never really got to defining what it is I am thinking.
Christmas is here, soon the year 2007 will be at my doorstep and I just can’t seem to get my butt off the chair to start working. And I know no one can help me but myself, and the scary thing is I just can’t rely on myself.
Merry Christmas everyone and to me.

last duty...

2006-11-16T11:27:00.000+08:00

Duty... today is officially the last duty I will have to do for this 2 yrs and 2 months national service. Mixed feelings….I think its due to the ‘graduation song’ by vitamin C that I am listening to now while doing duty, not sure if it’s a coincidence but this song always plays itself at every end of different phases of my life; back in secondary school graduation, poly graduation and now NS ORD. I guess some may think that this particular song is rather cheesy and over-used, but personally I think that many people are secretly in love with this song for its reminiscing qualities and the fact that it makes you look back at your life in awe. The next time someone plays this song, before you start criticizing about how over played the song is, look around – and you will see many with a bitter sweet smile subtlety drawn on their faces.
For me, the people around me knows how much I detest NS, these 2 years and 2 months felt like 10 years to me, I feel aged, I feel tired and mostly I feel bitter for all the change in me and the people around me, but in retrospect, I made a few good friends that I feel grateful for no matter how few. Nicholas for putting up with a childish selfishness and idiosyncrasies, and still manage to hang with me for so long, Marcus for trusting me enough to share things with me and listening to all the crap that I have to say, theories, Xiang long , for showing me what it means to have a goal, and for being a role model so I know who I wan to grow up to be. Khin mun, for just being the crappiest and most fun guy to be around with, though we may have perception that are worlds apart, views that would never meet in the distance future, but I always liked you as an individual, Felix for taking care of me when I needed help and for sticking with me through the harder days in scme. Cheers to these people of my NS life.
Now for the future, the problems will come but I believe more that ever that they are never going to bring me down. I am lazy but when the time comes for me to do what needs to be done, nothing will get me down. (if you haven realized, I am sorta saying all these as a self motivational attempt to make myself feel prepared.)

Change, my fear

2006-10-25T12:02:00.000+08:00

Hello people, I am a lazy blogger with hardly any life outside of NS to write about, thus the lack of post these pass few weeks.
Like you all know, I have counting down the days to my ORD since 275 days and now I have officially 55 more days to go…hmm 55 days too long.
Now the question is, am I prepared? My plan of having a portfolio before I ORD is sorta going down the drain thanks to my predictable procrastination and grotesque amount of laziness.
Coming from an idealistic but practical guy who is an avid idler, having goals can be really frustrating sometimes, maybe I am just mentally tired to think about it, maybe its time I work on it….maybe its time I put my abilities to where my words are, maybe it time to just cock things up abit, throwing away the idealistically perfect manner my goals and dreams are set.
That’s what successful people do right? They act. Something I am severely lacking. Something I have to change. Maybe after ORD………..haha

leaving on a jet plane

2006-09-28T16:19:00.000+08:00

Hey everyone, I know its been sometime since I wrote. To those avid readers of my blog, the one or two of you guys, I apologize for the slack, been through a short ‘writer’s blog(block)’ ,get the joke? wahaha….ehem….hmmmmm ok not funny…Anyways, kailin will be leaving for his training soon, this friday morning in fact, and its for a year, I can just imagine how he feels about the whole thing. I hate leaving my home behind, always did feel a sense of dread even when going for a holiday. I guess the group of frenz that we have arnd us are not making much of it but I believe each of us have to admit it will not be the same without him arnd, we will definitely lose more in soccer matches, we wun have a gaming center anymore, I wun have anyone to make fun of anymore….he seems to be the only guy I can actually be real sarcastic to, he gets it and appreciates a smart aleck remake that I make even though its usually meant in a derogatory way.
I cant say that everything would be the same when he returns, a lot can happen in a year, we might change and so might he, evo city would be a bustling shopping centre by then, hell….the MRT to sentosa might already be set up, no….i dun know…just making that up to add a little weight to my point.
Well…this post is for kailin, I hope you feel a sudden bust of excitement before you go, a sense of challenge, a sense of adventure and a light heart where a new and exciting world awaits you and a warm and loving group of family and frenz will be waiting patiently for your return a year later.

another wish list

2006-08-31T10:07:00.000+08:00

Haha I just read Jun’s Blog, and he finally caved in to the idea that National Service really sucks big time. Many factors I would say adds up to NS being a total waste of time.
But most prominent factor I would say, is the culture, something I believe was only developed due to the fact the bulk of the staff are conscripts, how well do you expect a guy to work if he is paid a minimal allowance and forced to spend 2 years of his life doing things he doesn’t even like for people he dun care for?
Ah well, I guess its good for Jun in a way the he only started hating NS just before he finish serving his time.
For me I try not to think about it, but of course it does intrude into my thought more often then not about how I hate my life at this juncture, but its safe to safe I have grown quite numb to it.
I miss my friends, I miss my 6 good friends and my poly friends, and frankly I liked myself a lot better then. Its not saying I dun have nice friends over here, I like these guys although sometimes they dun know when to stop being asses, and I would honestly say that a few of them are really good to me and I am thankful for that.
Now….munmun is thinking of furthering her studies in design, and I fully support that idea, only I cant really help her, in terms of the monetary side of things, many a times I wished I had the money for her, which is the only thing stopping her from getting there.
But on saying that, I have a good level of hope that she would find another way around this obstacle, and come out tops as always.
I wish her will that would not desert her when she needs to push on, I wish her a rainbow when things dun seem so bright and I wish her heart that lets her know she isn’t alone in whatever she needs to do.
I wish my best friends Jun focus, for him to know what he needs to do, I wish him love, for him to remain happy as he was in primary school, I wish him friends, which I feel he already has quite a few, but the goods ones…that stick around.
And I wish the rest of my 6 good friends the will to do great things, kailin, max, yuling, jiaxiong and zhenlie.
Last but not least, my family, I wish my dad discipline to quit smoking and eat healthly, I wish my mom a worry-less retirement time, I wish my sister the fulfillment of her dreams and I wish my dog a healthy life.
This is my wish list.

last day b4 flying

2006-08-18T10:40:00.000+08:00

Hmmm dun have much to write about…..going Australia tomorrow, for about a week. Going to visit my sister, a little wine tasting, and a chance to get out of Singapore. Hoping to get some magnificent shots in the process that’s y I am bringing the D70s camera along, wanted to bring the large format along….but I dun think I am going to be able to handle it well enough. I dun have the box to bring it around as well, ah well….maybe next time.
Going to miss munmun, and my doggy…..that’s the one thing I dun like about going overseas….it’s leaving people behind.
Ok bye guys! See you next week.

duty day

2006-08-02T12:15:00.000+08:00

first time using a computer on my duty day …..waiting for the time to pass…..and guess what; I actually have internet access to help pass my time… life is looking a little up for me currently, cant complain about my predicament knowing that I have been through the worst that I could in SCME some time ago. Life is getting a lot better ever since the new clerks came.
My short term worry now would be the fact that the weather outside look dangerously to the point of a long and big downpour which only means that the ceiling above me would be leaking rain water….bumper….
Went out with my friends from Poly in the weekend, had a pleasantly nice time, feeling rather nostalgic at certain moments, but at the same time feeling a slight sense of lost that I had it good then, and I did not even take the time to appreciate. I know I will not be able to experience the lifestyle of a student in the future again and it saddens me, given the chance, I would do it better, much better.
My friends seem to have their own personal struggles too, as we all. And I can take heart too that we somehow are in this, together, trying to carve something out for ourselves and somehow through all that little complains, and frustration do something that we can be proud of.
Munmun has a own struggles that she will have to overcome, and I too have my own sets of problems. But like those overly-optimistic/ irritatingly happy people would say…..”Wouldn’t life be just boring if there weren’t and ups and downs?”
I leave you all, my friends especially those who feels down and out, a note of encouragement, better times will come, we just need to stick to our virtues and retain our will.

a leap of faith by a girl i adore

2006-07-25T12:12:00.000+08:00

Hey ppl, munmun have officially started work with a pro-photographer. She is understandably shaky about the whole setup, shifting from a stable and not so bad job to an apprenticeship-ish job that doesn’t really help with her monetary insecurities. In fact the photographer isn’t even bothered to assure permanent employment, one week probation my a** (pardon my French)
You see, munmun isn’t a person that one would feel extremely warm towards from the start; she used to be called ‘Ice queen’ in poly, (haha forgive me dear). But I have come to realize that she is the kinda of person one would say ‘more then meets the eye’. She treats her friends with respect and kindness, treasuring each and everyone of them, something that I am sad to say has yet to rub of on me. She never really holds a grudge on anyone that disappoints her or steps on her toes.
She is someone I will always want on my team, dependable, trustworthy, clear-headed, smart, and most of all, sincere.
So, the question whether she should be worried about her predicament now, I would say no, all she has to do, is what she has been doing for the past 22 years, seek perfection.
I have grown to love her as a partner, respect her as a teammate and co-worker, inspired by her as an artist, and I am not one bid worried for her, for I know she is more then capable in handling anything thrown at her and anything she set her mind in doing.

last few days

2006-07-13T16:23:00.000+08:00

Helo, I have not been writing on this Blog the last few days, been a week? Should be around there. Anyways, I have been busy playing some online game that I guess some of you would have heard before, World of Warcraft, been playing it with Kaiz, very fun game, but very time consuming.
The last few days are just *play game *play game *play game…..very unlike me but I guess this would be a perfect example of how people change. I never liked playing games in the past, was never interested, never had the time, unless it’s with a group of friends in a Lan shop shouting at each other, I was not to be interested. But who is to know that I am now playing games even when I am doing it alone. People change. That’s what frightens me. I hate change, always did. I hate how your ideals change, I hate how your values change, I hate how your needs change, I hate how people change and yet I am more guilty at it then anyone.
My old friends from primary school or secondary school would see no change in me, physically (*moan) but only I know how much a change has occurred in me and everything around me.
I do not know if everyone experiences the same thing everyday. There is a war happening in my head at every one moment, almost to a point that I feel tired to think. Perhaps you might think that its starts from the moment I awake, in fact that is so far from the truth, I sleep with my troubles, what troubles? I have no freaking idea! I could honestly say I never had a really peaceful session of sleep in these past few years, everyday I wake up unsatisfied, frustrated and just plain pissed at nobody in particular. I go to wherever I need to be and a million things would just go though my mind, even when I am talking to someone I would be thinking of something irrelevant. Does anybody experience that? I was just thinking about what the horoscope keeps saying about my sign, Gemini, its says that I am a multi-tasker but I always thought that it was not true about me cause I could not do 2 things at the same time even if it kills me….but I came to light to me recently that I have been multi-tasking my whole life. I have always been doing something and thinking about something else at the same time, and its killing me.
I read in some article some time ago and i remember a quote, not too sure who said it but it was something that i could never forget.

" It would be bliss if you only eat when you eat and only drink when you drink. " - like a dog.
* i apologise if the quote is abit off its my own intepretation.

sculpting with the greats

2006-06-28T13:50:00.000+08:00

Hey guys,
Been meaning to write, but just couldn’t find any thing to write about these few days, hence the quote on the previous post.....ha-ha.
Anyways, I have just added a new plan on top of the list of my never ending and never in progress tasks to be done. I want to sculpt!
Hmmm, I know it sounds a little or a lot like one of my ‘5 min’ passions like my friend once told me. I guess that’s true about me, I dapple, period.
And now, I am trying my hand in sculpting, perhaps I would stop halfway like most of the other things that I do, but I am sure I will enjoy the process of doing it while it last.
Here goes nothing.

2006-06-26T11:20:00.000+08:00

"It is the little things that make the difference. an accumulation of subtleties, sum of the parts creating more than the whole."

- dunno who say one

A tired long week

2006-06-16T09:23:00.000+08:00

Today is Friday and it almost feels as if I have waited a month for this week to pass......sorry I had to whine........I cannot whine to people so I will whine here....no one really understands...or maybe i am just a pussy....anyways....the past few days were hectic with those JC students coming over to my unit to see the new systems...and that took up two solid days of presentations....repeating over and over and over again.....to the many groups....and today.....there is an experiment going on in the labs....and I am trying so desperately to run away and hide from all the officers...so that I dun have to stand there the whole day to support them.....tiring.....169 more days to go.....haizzz just leave me alone please.....

Old photos

2006-06-12T10:18:00.000+08:00

taken in a passport photo machine back in our polydays....very fun.

my frenz at the beach, zhenlie is missing...

she came to join me for breakfast in the morning, Food Junction, NYP

my mom forgetting to soak in the beautiful surroundings

Annual Christmas party at my auntie's house.

monday

2006-06-05T15:27:00.000+08:00

Monday blues......180 more days to go...not been thinking of much recently except these numbers. Trying to recall how I made it through the 593 days before this...officially I have 6 months and 14 days more to my temporary freedom before re-service....
6 more months.....how much things can a person do in 6 months, a lot I guess, half a year.....I never appreciated time until now..
Everyday, the many glances at the slow clock, counting the down the hours, the striking away of the dates on my calendar.... no matter how I look at it....I cannot see how national service has done any good for me or for the country... I cannot be proud of a country that put her people through such experiences; perhaps it is truly beneficial to some people but not to all. It’s only after I entered the national service that I start to see the flaws within the whole organization, flaws so evident in every aspect of the system that every men and women in it acknowledges but do nothing about. It is during this time that I question, never had I bothered with such matters, political, social and an existence of a clear conscience.
In the period of these 593 days, I have done more things that I am not proud of than I have done in my whole life before this... values that stay constant, through though times, that’s what I always thought differentiate man from boys, not their look or size or physic but their actions. And I have just proven myself to be a boy, I buckled....

dream van

2006-05-24T13:52:00.000+08:00

Volkswagen camper van. That’s my dream van…something like the ‘Mystery van’ in Scooby Doo cartoon series. But too bad it’s almost impossible to obtain in Singapore. Stupid LTA rules….ah well….that’s why it’s called a DREAM van...

affair wih an art form

2006-05-23T14:00:00.000+08:00

Still Life, as with so much of photography, has its roots firmly embedded in the romanticism of traditional painting techniques. Still life usually seeks to illustrate the natural world and to present something more than a simple record of the scene. When a painter works, the resulting picture will reflect what's has been in the artist's mind - predilections, frustrations, enjoyments and moods etc. This applies to the photographer as artist too - so our pictures represent something within us, making each unique.
During the 17th century a branch of Dutch painting created an almost specialist form of the still life and raised it to the state of high/fine art. Often the scenes from these Dutch masters show tables fairly creaking with layers of food, brimming chalices of wine, sprawling game with fine cloths and brocades adorning the frame. They're rich in chiaroscuro, texture, sombre colour, sparkling highlights and an infinity of shadows. Often pictures such as these were aimed at a market of wealthy, likely buyers, who wished for scenes to decorate dining rooms of fine houses.
The subjects for still-life pictures are often simple and commonplace. The familiar can be rendered special and significant by the treatment that it's given. Just as trivial words can provide the source for a beautiful song so trivial objects can be arranged to form a beautiful picture.
It's hardly surprising then that photographers since the inception of the medium have sought to emulate the traditional forms of still-life. Experiments have been made to extend the range of the genre and to seek methods of involving the viewer. Cezanne and Salvidor Dali certainly experimented greatly with the accepted form by their distortions of plane and perspective and photographers such as Man Ray and Andre Kertesz in their turn pushed back the boundary lines.
Still life photography presents the photographer with something of a "blank canvas" and in this respect the beginning is closely allied to the traditional, painterly forms of art. Ideally the photographer should be involved in the process of creating the scene, building it up from an empty space and using the shapes, textures, tones and colours presented. Add to this the selection and arrangement of lighting, the various technicalities surrounding exposure, the range of darkroom skills and after treatment and one can readily see that still life work considerably stretches the photographer both artistically and technically.

Quoted from Clive R. Haynes FRPS.
Photography from Mocafico.com~Guido Mocafico

NOW list

2006-05-22T14:11:00.000+08:00

My own NOW (No Opportunity Wasted) list
Read it from ling’s blog.

1. Own a Volkswagen Camper Van. Newly furnished interiors and overhauled engine.
2. Own a photographic studio or two, main branch in Singapore business district and second branch in downtown Manhattan, New York.
3. Travel the world with my girl.
4. Buy a big house with a huge garden for my parents.
5.Skydive from a small aircraft onto the huge plains of some faraway country surrounded by huge snowy clap mountains.
6. Lay down and sleep on an open field surrounded by valleys and rivers
7. To learn how to ride a Motorcycle
8. To buy a scooter and go for a Sunday morning ride down a long stretch of road somewhere with more open fields running parallel with the road.
9. To go on a road trip in my camper van with all my friends
10. To be able to run as fast as I can without feeling breathless.
11. To sleep under a star filled sky.
12. To learn to play the cello well.
13. To learn to play the piano well.
14. To learn to play the Harmonica well.
15. To learn to play the trumpet well.
16. To learn how to fish and be really good at it.
17. To own a nice cabin situated somewhere in Canada beside a lake.
18. To be the best boyfriend I can be to Munmun.
19. To be the best husband I can be to Mrs. Munmun Lim
20. To be a wonderful father to my children, for them to want to grow up just like me.
21. To give my parents more joy then they had expected from me.
22. To die painlessly, accomplished, happy and old.

free-wheeling dreamer....i am

2006-05-19T14:41:00.000+08:00

Part 1 : dreamer
Your combination of abstract thinking, appreciation of beauty, and cautiousness makes you a DREAMER.
You often imagine how things could be better, and you have very specific visions of this different future.
Beauty and style are important to you, and you have a discerning eye when it comes to how things look.
Although you often think more broadly, you prefer comfort to adventure, choosing to stay within the boundaries of your current situation.
Your preferences for artistic works are very refined, although you vastly prefer some types and styles to others.
Though your dreams are quite vivid, you are cautious in following up on them.
You are aware of both your positive and negative qualities, so that your ego doesn't get in your way.
A sense of vulnerability sometimes holds you back, stifling your creative tendencies.
You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.
You tend to believe that things happen for a reason, and that not everything is under our control.

If you want to be different:

Your imagination is a wonderful asset, but don't just dream—be bold enough to take action and explore new things!
Consider a wider range of details and possibilities when thinking about the present and the future—don't be too set in your ways.

Part 2: Free-wheeling
Your charismatic nature, liveliness, and independence make you FREE-WHEELING.
You don't mind being in the spotlight, preferring social gatherings to quiet nights at home.
You take a practical approach to people, not getting too involved in their feelings—or their business.
At the same time, your acceptance of others leads you to be understanding of their life circumstances, even if you don't quite understand their emotional reactions to some things.
Although you have a wide circle of friends, you're very discerning as to whom you can trust.
You're not rigid in your beliefs about the world, and you don't want to impose your perspective on others, but at the same time, you know that plenty of people don't always act responsibly.
Engaging with others is a large part of how you live in the world, and most importantly, it plays a role in how you see yourself—you tend to learn a lot about yourself in situations where you are with other people.
You have an understanding of the complexities of situations, and you don't judge others too hastily.
You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.
You tend to believe that things happen for a reason, and that not everything is under our control.

If you want to be different:

Your open-mindedness about the world gives you a great perspective on things, but your lack of trust in others limits how close you can get with them. Try opening up to people a bit more without losing your healthy skepticism.
While being the life of the party will occasionally come naturally to you, be sure to reserve time for yourself—see what you can learn by spending some time observing the world rather than just by diving in.

the first step to real success

2006-05-17T16:11:00.000+08:00

Today, munnun got a job offer to work as photographer’s assistant to a photographer who has a credible reputation as one of Singapore’s up and coming fashion photographer. I am so incredibly proud of her, I knew she has the working attitude that would beat even the best photographers out there and not to leave out her in born good taste, and now she has a chance to prove it. Knock them dead girl!
Hmmm, now that she has taken the first step in living a life that she can grow to love and be proud of, whatever happens in the future I hope she will always stay proud that she took this road. To be proud that she tried.
Now…..my turn. Here I come world, the guy that would rock your world!!! Whooohoooooo haha…..ok…..coming back down to earth….ahem….
Bye

blessing counting

2006-05-11T15:46:00.000+08:00

Here is me counting my blessings

1. I have a sister who is about to become a doctor, free MCs for me.

2. I have a really understanding and loving girlfriend who is my rock. (she was questioning me y she was after my doggie in the first version of this post...haha so now she is second!)
3. I have a mother and father who are fairly active and healthy and love me even through all the years of my spoiled behavior.
4. I have a really old but still really lovable dog named Kim who welcomes me with an eagerness everytime i see her.
5. I have friends who haven’t given up on asking me out even after I rejected them more times then I can count; good guys.
6. I have my dream camera.
7. I have 7 more months to ord, 205 days to be exact.
8. I have more freedom then most other guys my age I know.
9. I have a fairly healthy physic, not counting the low center of gravity and the uneven body landscape due to the lack of meat count on me.

Hmmm, I bet there are many more that I cannot think of right now. Just need to concentrate on what I have for now….and go get what I want for the future.

responsibilities and how its affects choices

2006-05-10T14:49:00.000+08:00

I am a little worried, ok let’s give a little background why I am worried, I am a person with very contradicting views and actions, a person with very fickle perceptions, a person who don’t really know when I am being what. I put the blame on my star sign (Gemini), but there are times when I would let myself admit that it’s just my character.
I have many sides to my personality and character, so many that it confuses me sometimes, my sister says it’s not because I have many versions of character but because I have none.
There is a choice that I have made, and that’s to follow a certain unwelcoming path. The path of professional photography. A job that doesn’t exactly bring you respect and money. I was talking to dear about turning your hobby into a job, the crux of the topic was mainly leaning towards how bad it was. There is an idealistic part of me that feels all will turn out well and I am making the right choice. I always pride myself in being or at least trying to be different from everyone else, to take a path not ridden. But lately, I am feeling a lot of insecurities, which I am sure many people going into the same line would feel. Would I be much happier just finding a job and making a reasonable amount of money to slowly build my family up? When I was younger (younger meaning 1 year ago, in poly, NS changed my thinking quite abit, you can say I grew up not for the better I feel.) I did not feel any responsibilities whatsoever; I did what I want when I want how I want. I was free in every essence of the word, and now that I start to feel the many responsibilities coming from all direction, I feel myself doubting the choice I am making. It’s not the responsibilities that I detest; it’s my inability to handle them.
My parents are both retired; my sister will be studying for another 3 years. There will not be any income coming in for the next 3 years and what can I do to help? When I ORD, do I immediately try to chase my dream or do I take on a job to at least help out until my sister graduates? Will life be better for everyone if I just take up a normal job like everyone else?
I want to have kids in future, would love to have my own juniors and princesses, but can I actually earn enough while I am young to afford having kids before I am too old (old meaning 30 and above) Will photography provide an income for me to give the best life to my kids? Many would say that I am over worrying, and I agree, I tend to do that to myself, but the thought of regretting my decision in future would be too big a blow for me.
How does anyone make these life authoring decisions? Or do they even have to? Do people even bother about these things? Some people seem to have a seamless transition from studies to work; they did not even need to think so hard about it.
I know making a decision now does not mean that I have to stick with it for the rest of my life, its just that I cannot imagine myself failing in photography, failing to do well, failing in something that I love is excruciating, I can almost imagine.
I guess there will never be an answer to this riddle in life, the ‘what ifs’. I love photography; I wish that was the answer to all my problems.
As for the problem of hobby to job, its was neither both when i started out.

my trusty horseman

2006-05-05T10:23:00.000+08:00

This is a picture of my newly bought second-hand Large Format Camera.

A 4x5 Horseman Monorail Camera, mint condition. I bought it off a photographer for alittle over 1.5k; a very good buy I must say, considering the fact the a camera of this condition would cost more then 3K out in the market, and that’s just the body. He gave me a 150mm lens, 10 film holders, 1 Polaroid back, 1 film roll back, a focusing cloth, and he gave me some extra Polaroid film as well, its expired though….but good all the same. The camera was still packed in the original box! Haha I am so lucky.

Anyways, here is me trying to shoot some building with my new toy, picture courtesy of munmun. I sent my film for processing, and will be collecting them pretty soon, hope it turns out well.
I have concluded that using this camera is not only taxing physically but also mentally, man…..it was always a brain-storming process before every shot we took ( I was with munmun on our very first outing with the camera)
Conclusion, I loveeeeee it.

freedom...

2006-05-02T11:16:00.000+08:00

What’s the definition of freedom? I think it varies abit for different people in different circumstances and different places. Personally, freedom is something I feel people take for granted, not wanting to sound all political but it’s just a thought that went through my mind during the weekend. What does the term freedom encapsulate?

1 : the quality or state of being free: as a : the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action b : liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another : INDEPENDENCE c : the quality or state of being exempt or released usually from something onerous
d : EASE, FACILITY e : the quality of being frank, open, or outspoken f : improper familiarity g : boldness of conception or execution h : unrestricted use 2 a : a political right b : FRANCHISE, PRIVILEGEsynonyms FREEDOM, LIBERTY, LICENSE mean the power or condition of acting without compulsion. FREEDOM has a broad range of application from total absence of restraint to merely a sense of not being unduly hampered or frustrated . LIBERTY suggests release from former restraint or compulsion . LICENSE implies freedom specially granted or conceded and may connote an abuse of freedom .

I guess this only means we are never really free, only given a certain amount of freedom of let to believe so. I know most people would say that this would be a touchy issue given the fact that the elections are just days away; my place is a walkover, FYI. But no, this topic isn’t about them, they are just an organization and in every organization and are people with good intentions, blinded intentions, selfish intentions and just plain stupid intentions. The freedom I am talking about its one of a more personal note, one only we ourselves will have if we fight for it.
I dun wan to go in depth into my whole take on freedom in the ‘civilized’ world, it’s just too mind boggling and I actually predict myself being contradicting and derogatory, so why bother eh?
Just one thought, if you can speak up for certain wrong done to you, without any fear of the consequences not saying that there will not be any, you are free. If you can decide to stop doing what you are doing and do what you want, then you are free. If you are given the proper respect and empowered to make choices as a professional, you are free. If you can love who you want and hate who you want openly, you are free. If you can follow you dreams, you are free. All these are what make the split roads in people’s lives, choices that we as people have to make, to exercise that freedom that we are entitled to or to just take the easy road out. I have taken the liberty of excluding the main excuse that everyone uses when it comes down to not having freedom, money. I have no answer to that and I believe there will never be any answer to that problem. I chose not to link them as problems rather to split that up as separate problems for a hope of solving at least one of them. The most important one; freedom.
If you know you have a certain amount of freedom more than others dun take it for granted, it is to me, highly insensitive. Freedom is a god-given right that is highly underrated.

Still Life

2006-04-26T10:56:00.000+08:00

National Service, 2 year 2 months down the drain. The prime of my life, just graduated, full of energy, eagerness, life and smiles.
All that…gone.
Now, before this time ends, I have to learn to pick myself up, to bring my life back to the way it was. After all, they do say that in your life, there will always be some time when your will is fully tested. I dun want this episode to ‘kill’ me, I have too much to lose, and already I have changed into a person that I dun like, cynical, less trusting, selfish, bitter.
I read something in a philosophical book on why people take photographs, there was a quote by Robert Adams;

“….They must have come from a more thoughtful person, one who suffered enough to learn.”

He said that the more creative works were always said to come from artists that were going through a rough patch in their life. And junhao also agrees with that in terms of rock bands I guess, he always did say that the good albums recorded were always because the whole rockers’ lives were in a mess.
So it seems that passion, inspirations, and downright works of character are only more easily grasped by an artist with a lack of happy pills. Note I used the word artist loosely, for I do not claim to be an artist only a person who wishes to create some form of personnel expression like everyone else.
But there is a problem; so far, that theory isn’t doing anything for me. Maybe it will come…..sooner or later.
Here is a still life photo that I scanned from Andrew Sanders book on Home photography, according to him, an artist have to be happy, in order for him to create. Haha….well, each person are entitled to their own methods.
And currently my muse is both my girl and classical music, Chopin, Yo Yo Ma, Bach, Nigel kennedy, Vivaldi….etc etc. i get most ideas with these players beside me.

Back to ‘life’

2006-04-18T10:26:00.000+08:00

Hello everyone, I am back to office….the past 4 days of freedom has sort of given me mixed feelings. Many things happen that I rather did not, but many things happen that i was very happy about, thus the mixed feelings.
Well, lets start with the bad and end with the good shall we?
The bad.
Had a quarrel with one disgrace of a sales person. Solved nothing. I think I handled the situation pretty badly…but its more or less over and I dun wan to let it bother me….and I sure would tell all my frens to never go that shop again. It’s a shop somewhere in heeren’s annex…..btw I hate people’s buttcheeks if you get what I mean….Its really a joke how some sales people can think its alright to quarrel with an unsatisfied customer about who was in the wrong….ridiculous… at the point I was so into trying to quarrel with him that I did not realize that I did not really need to abide to anything, and that he was the one who needed apologizing to the full extend for making my life hard…like I said …I did not handle the situation the way I would have liked to..
My sandals fell apart on me….when on the way to her house the sole just stay on the ground while my feet left the ground….not my day…..had to pick it up and wobble to her house…the other sole fell out subsequently, arghhhh really pissing. The day was freaking humid too….was sweating my socks off..(I did not have any socks….just a figurative speech)
My chalet weekend with her. Ok for everyone’s information this topic doesn’t really belong to the bad category cause It is always nice to spend time with her, but this is to just point out what went wrong to make this whole chalet a little less then perfect.
Rain. That’s one…
Rain. That’s two….
Its rained the last two chalet that we went to as well…..
Rain. That’s three…
She fell sick, as a result she could not enjoy it as much, because she was feeling puky most of the time. Poor girl.
The good.
I got my LF camera!!! Whooohoooooo!!!!!
I got a new Hand phone too!! Yippee!
I got a nice looking pair of sandals as well!!! Yeah!!!
And the chalet wasn’t all bad…I took some pics with the new phone...
I will write more about the Large Format camera that I got in the next post….life sure is getting more exciting….meeting lousy people and all….haha

Same old complains

2006-04-13T11:01:00.000+08:00

Today is Thursday and it’s the last day of the week! Whooooppeeee! It’s a long weekend ahead, and I am sure going to try to make it a productive one at that. Will be going on a chalet with her on Sun! yeah! More fun things coming up, Wild Wild Wet!! That would be my first time stepping into wild wild wet….but she has to get a tankini(Bikini but with a tank top) first, it’s a new girly term that I just learned. Then on Monday I will be going to buy the 4x5 from Victor, I’m excited but at the same time a little reserved cause I dun want to be too disappointed in case that things dun turn out as plan and I dun get to buy the camera. Things like these always happen, and I hate having to wait more then I already have for a large format.
Just read a friend’s blog, she seems to be in quite a rug. She quit her job so that she could chase a dream and I believe from what I read is that it’s a lot harder to go about building that dream. For me, I wish she would along the way find some form of success in what she is trying to achieve in her live. But I have to admit that, I wish her success not only for her, but in a way I need to see her succeed, I need to see that it can be done, you can live a dream and still live a life at the same time.
Hmmm…its currently 10.30am and I have 7 more hours to go. Listen to me…I have become so desperate as to count the number of hours till off work. I started with counting down the months….’8 and half months….’ , then on to counting down the days…..as I got more desperate…..’231 more days….’ And now, I figure I needed some form of immediate gratification and so I have gone on to count the hours….’7 hrs……’ According to the majority of my colleagues, that’s like mental suicide, but…..but…..i cant help it!!!
Arhhhhh…..its like this addiction for freedom….and I am going through this period of cold turkey…haha( I once referred to that term as wet blanket….no idea y..)
If you read my blog, you will know this is actually about the only thing I am rather consistent about, my wanting to get out……I write about in almost every post, and this post is of course no exception, I just cant help it….its like word vomit.
My usual conversation goes like this….

Fren: hey guowen! How are you? You look tired..

Me: hello (so and so) ….sian lor….ns…..(*puffy cheeks sagging)

Fren: oh issit? Wat is your vocation?

Me: eh….clerk lor…(expecting the usual remarks)

Fren: clerk?.... good wat! So slack…at least you not chiong sua one(there it is…)…wah…I chiong until very tired ah…( he then goes on to tell me how tiring it is….but always there would be a hint of excitement and pride in his speech or so called complain)

Me: haha (fake laugh..) ya lor….clerk not bad…(lie….too tired to carry on the conversation…)

So you see, this blog really is my only outlet…..hardly anyone actually listens anymore, except maybe her and I cant be pouring out on her every time I meet her, and trust me I can do that….. So do try to pardon my same old complains.

guowen

me

2006-04-11T13:52:00.000+08:00

Hey guys, munmun just started a blog! Haha nice….
I was packing my room yesterday!I actually started on it, was tidying up most of the magazines and wipe the shelf clean as well…..whoohoo…I actually acted, no more lazy sloth.
Anyway, I came across some of the first few serious photos that I took back in the days; I saw something that I did no realize back then when I printed the photos. I saw a subtle emotion in my photos, I am guessing that it’s something only I can see, dun really expect the same presence of feelings for others. These images made me smile, it gave me the feeling of a pat on my shoulder and I imagined a person behind me telling me not to worry. I have read so many how-to books on photography and seen many photographers’ works and along the way I got so lost in trying to get the best technical shots that I lost sight of the plain and simple feeling in my shots, my recent photos said nothing about myself, they did not make me smile.
These few photos may not be very good technically, they may not even look good to many but they mean the world to me, the past, the future and the present. They told me that it’s alright to mess things up and to look at life in a less complex manner. I shoot for myself and will continue to do so.

wen

cumbersome bliss - thats large format for ya.

2006-04-10T13:11:00.000+08:00

234 days more. The month is April, 4th month of the year. I was told by many not to be counting down at such an early stage in my NS life. 8 months +++ is too long to start counting.
Ah well.....234 days more to go!!
I just read a book on view cameras that i borrowed from the library, there is a quote from a Photographer/ art historian Carl Chiarenza.
He said,
" The view camera photographer is forced into a contemplative mood while he works. See in this light the disadvantage of bulky equipment and accessories such as tripods becomes and advantage. It sets the pace for the seclusion under the dark cloth. Facing the ground glass, isolated, all of his facillities are centered on
the Luminous image. He cannot help being absorbed by the many possible realtions he can create within the movable frame. He loses himself in this world of light over which he can excercise a measure of control."
oooooo....i love Large format cameras....i cant wait to get the second hand toyo view camera from victor( the guy selling the cam) I have great plans for it guys, Still lifes, architecture and many more. I have lots of things to do and i have not actually acted on any of them....been very lazy.... first thing first, Packing 'my room', technically it is my sis's room, but she is studying medicine over at the land down under *australia, so....the room is mine!!! muahahaha. Packing the magazines, removing the teddybear frames and shelves. Organising my films and photos, printing the good ones.
Freedom will come soon.

wen

career change anyone?

2006-04-07T14:17:00.000+08:00

Helo everyone, sorry about all the negative post these couple of days. I think I am going through an episode of self-pity and mild depression. Dun get me wrong, life isn’t any better, I just feel a wee bit better after I went running with Junhao the other day. I needed some outlet for venting and what better way then venting it out physically. When I was running, I tired not to think about anything else but the next step and my finish line, and in a way, that was extremely therapeutic for me, although I wouldn’t have finish the run if not for junhao telling me that there was 200m more to go and that I should not give up just yet.
Me: “wah…..*pant…….junhao…*attempts to wave hand, but turn out like arms flailing around……I cannot already……no breath…….*pant pant…”
Jun: “dun give up!.....its just there only *points to a turn very very far away….2oo meters more only!”
Me:*think( WTF so far! 200 metres is so far away?!?!)*pant…pant
Jun: “breath in with your nose and breath out with your mouth”
Me: *think( I cant tell the freaking difference from breathing thru my mouth or nose!!! I am grasping for air as it is!!) ouch….blister pain….
Jun: ok….100 meters more…..
Me: *think (100 meters…..each step is about 0.5 m, *calculate amount in my mind…..a long long time later….wah….that’s a lot more steps to go….) *pant pant…..
Finish run…..
Me: *think(its over!!!! Whooopeee, I am never doing this again…..)
I have plans for a healthier lifestyle to distress and keep fit. Hope I keep to it.
I have been looking around the works from the new graduates from the various design schools in Singapore, they look good. I have not actually stepped into the market yet although it does feel like a long time since I graduated, I actually feel stale….haha.
Anyways, I saw lots of interesting design that aren’t exactly new but one could tell that they were from students being all attention grabbing and stuff. My friends and I were once like that, always frustrated with the usual design and trying to bring something young, fresh, inventive and original to the table. When I look at the new batch of Singaporean designers coming out, i almost feel a sense of lost, what we once were, these enthusiastic bunch of designers dreaming to take the design world by storm, and now, almost half the classmates that I once knew have given up on design, in less the a period of 3 years, in fact, some of them have totally changed their career direction and decided to change job line. Maybe for the better, reasons that I feel are more than justifiable. And to have seen these things actually happen and to talk to some on their frustration really does put some things into perspective.
Of course there are a handful of friends who actually stick to designing as a career. I applaud them. For me, I too have changed my career direction, like you all know I intend to do photography, an even riskier career move I presume.
After all that I have said, I cant help but feel that the same thing would happen to this batch of students coming out this year. A large group of them would try and go on as long as they can but would eventually give it up as well, who would blame them really?
But I do wish in my heart that a few strong and stubborn ones will really take the design world by storm, to not be afraid of losing their jobs, to be in heart, a true designer. Stubborn, a tad more proud then usual, passionate about their work and will not settle for any less. These are the quality I feel designers in Singapore lack. They are too afraid, too afraid to lose their jobs and not be able to find new ones. Too afraid to do anything different for fear of their work being rejected. When this happens, not only do the company or organization as a whole suffer but the designer himself will ultimately lose his sense of creativity. A designer who is afraid cannot attempt to claim himself a designer, he would just be a worker churning aesthetics, nothing more. I believe designers have to fight to get themselves respected in Singapore, it may be hard….but it’s the only way I can think of so far, to take an initiative in design, bring new ideas to the table, make the design your own, take charge and ……..never settle.
Good luck to the designers graduating. Don’t let the creative industry in Singapore go any lower then it already is.

guowen

smaller man

2006-04-04T09:50:00.000+08:00

Here I am again. Sitting in a small rectangular room, suffocated of ideas, inspirations and anything that could help lift my spirit. I am questioning my ability to stay strong and focus when going through a rough patch. I read in some book somewhere that staying happy and cheerful helps a photographer or any other creative professional to be properly inspired, to be at the top of his game. I guess that only means that I have just hit rock bottom. I dun think of anything else but the 240 more days to go….I cannot think of anything but the time that passes ever so slowly….I try so hard to occupy myself with books on photography….surround myself with things that I so love, but I just cannot seem to clear my mind of how trapped I feel. I feel drained of all energy and spirit, ideas, enthusiasm, smiles and dreams. How can a year and a half do so much to me… How does everyone else handle it? I am pretty sure they are going through the exact same thing as me, maybe in different forms of torture but same magnitude I presume. What is different about me? Is it my inability to think on the brighter side of things? Is it my inability to tolerate any hardship?
Or is it just because I am a smaller man then everyone else?

guowen

Very very long week.

2006-03-30T12:33:00.000+08:00

Helo world, this has been a torturous week, and its not over yet… there are 5 visits in a short span of 3 days. I have just been too mentally exhausted to write anything in this blog….so my apologies to anyone who bothers to read.
Just to let you in on my role in serving to protect the nation from anything ranging from war, trouble peace and disaster. To put it nicely, I help in the deterrence effort by our proud officers and to also help in the maintaining of good relations with other more powerful entities. To put it more honestly, I concoct dodgy looking powerpoint slides as a medium for a 3 way bombardment of visual concepts on questionable systems. I double as the 2 man AV crew team member of the yet to become future power lab… Seems rather simple yes? Well that is just the surface my friend, I will also do the usual conscript jobs, or more specifically ‘sai kang’, and apparently I have been appointed the resident CD ripper, I seem to be able the only person that knows or dares to admit on knowing how to actually burn a CD. I am also the watchdog for the Lab that frequently holds functions, I will be the one to sit there quietly and well….watch. Answering to their every call with an ‘uncontrollable enthusiasm’. “ we need water….we need pen…how do you switch on the projector? I need to plug this to the power socket (*its right next to him), can you call so-and-so, I need to print this…(*I then proceed to click the print button)….i am the all doing watchdog, you need me to fetch the papers? Just call me….and better yet, I dun pee on the couch.
And so people, this is how I serve and protect my nation. Does it inspire you to do anything great and wonderful with your life? Well…I hate to brag, but I live to inspire, with the never dull life that I am living.
Back to life as I know it.

P.S. pardon my sarcasm…its my only output where I can remain calm without adding bits of french in every sentence.

Quiet elegance

2006-03-15T14:17:00.000+08:00

Hi guys, well…..today is the day she goes to Indonesia for a business trip, my dad has left for Vietnam for a holiday with his friends I guess. It’s just me and my mom. Hmmm, we will be having Nissin noodles for dinner, it’s my recommendation after tasting one nissin noodle dish from a Hong Kong restaurant the other day, in short, the dish was plain, simple and worth putting your heart into. Nissin noodle in soup with sesame oil, a stalk of Xiao bai cai, a fried sunny side up and lastly a couple of Chinese ham.
Magnificent…
There is always a quiet elegance to the simple objects or place that always attracted me, its almost spiritual to be in a place or to come across an object like that, gives a feeling that this is were you were meant to be or what its meant to be like. I know this can sound abit ambiguous, but I am just discovering these phenomena of simplistic existence so pardon me there. I grew up in a country where the rat race is a norm, a country that produces efficient workers with both knowledge and speed. We have the best, most profession has to offer. Of cause there are exceptions….like in my earlier post. People here strive to be the best in making it ‘big’ in whatever it is they do. Now take a step back, and ask who or wat are they working for? And they will answer justifiably, “for my family”, “for my personal achievement” and lastly “for money”. And truthfully, I dun think there is anything wrong with that, in fact I will also be fighting and working for those three reasons, there really is nothing else we can live and work for…right?
I wish there was a feeling of something different, something that can clear the layers of dunnowatstuff that lies above my spirit and mind, do I sound like I need a religion? Well fyi, I dun, I just need an epiphany or an experience, one that can allow me to see everything with a new light.
Funny how a simple Nissin noodle can evoke such thoughts.
On another thought, I miss her, it feels different when you dun meet her but she is still in Singapore then you dun meet her cause she just isn’t in Singapore. Weird.
Anyways, I am saving for the Large format camera, I know I said in the ealier post that I did not want to buy it so soon anymore, well….screw that, its that or nothing……I am going to be a photographer even if it’s the death of me. And all these words that I write to try and tell you guys how I feel will never be enough, and hope that one day my pictures will give a clearer view emotionally and spiritually. Lets hope.

guowen

new cam, lousy workers

2006-03-06T16:06:00.000+08:00

Guess what guys, I have decided not to buy the large format camera anymore…..i will get it when I have the means to, rather then spending every cent I have on the camera and not having any cash left for anything else….not very smart….
I always get a little pissed when I dun get to buy the things that I have set my mind on buying, and so last night I went ahead to buy this samurai looking pants! Haha and its cost 70 bucks…..haha long time since I did anything so financially stupid….but it was a cool looking pants...Samurai…but a wee bit challenging to get it on.
Anyways, since I won’t be buying the large format camera, I have decided to spent the small amount of money I have to get myself a TLR(twin lens reflex) camera. Always wanted one of those but there was never my top priority. Anyway, at least I have something to look forward to and its something that I can afford to buy comfortably…nice.
Well, today’s work day is a total disaster for me, I got pissed by different people who does things that were just un-thought of, for their own convenience….i really am getting quite enough the work attitude around here….the lack of respect for the conscripts….i guess being a responsible and dependable worker isn’t what they are trying to cultivate in people... the better you do, the more they would pile on you…you would just be another guy that was easy to ask to get things done. I mean I do like to be thought of as capable ….but at times, I do need a break from all those responsibilities, I do need a certain pat on the back, someone to say, ‘ok, go take a break, you deserve it….’. Its rather sickening really…other then some rather nice friends here, this I would dare say is a group of people I would love to forget, an experience that I dun appreciate.

Guowen

Quality Times

2006-03-01T16:25:00.000+08:00

Went out with kl and junhao yesterday night, went for a short pool session and won Junhao 3 times! Muahahaha lost to kl as usual….there was a bet that whoever lost had to treat supper, and junhao was the overall loser, haha so we made him pay for the game rather then supper cause I guess none of us were hungry anyway. Then we bought three cans of beer and some nuts and chips, went to my poolside to side and chat…..just like old times….it was nice….i actually did not know that my poolside could be so peaceful at night….so quiet and serene. But we were being pestered so persistently by mosquitoes…I think I came away with at least 10 bites on my feet itself.
It was fun, been a long time since I drank beer, been a long time since I had a long talk with my frens, been a long time since I felt energized at night, been a long time since I done anything that young people my age usually do…haha.
I dun have much frens, always did live by this rule of having few and good. And well I have 7 or maybe a wee bit more good frens, inclusive of really good frens. You see I am not a really sociable person, dun know why… dun mix well with new people. That, I think might be a liability in the future, knowing the job I am bringing myself into, having to meet clients and all, being an introvert really doesn’t help. I think it all comes down to the sincerity of things that stop me, when I meet the person, I dun feel this sincere urge to know that person, which I guess is the reason why I can never remember a name or a face….they would just be a face in the sea of faces that I got acquainted somehow, somewhere, sometime ago…. Its like having a mindset that tells me saying hi is just a form of politeness, and I wun be seeing or talking to this person anytime in the near future….i know its doesn’t sound really nice…but it’s a fact.
Let me relate an example for you, I used to have this friendster account, but I deleted it…again, and anti-social act. Anyway, there was this guy inside my friends list that wrote a testimonial for me, i got to see his photo and his name, but you know wat……I have no freaking idea where I met him! I did try to reach into the recesses of my memory to at least have period of time, like when I could have met him…..but nothing came up…lol….pathetic.
Maybe its time to get out there alittle.

Bye.

Attaining perfection through the coffee process (prelude to thesis by guowen)

2006-02-28T13:34:00.000+08:00

watched the last samurai the other night, not bad....but what i really remembered was a sentence that Tom Cruise said. He was talking
about how unique the samurais were, " ....from the moment they wake up in the morning, they would train to perfect their craft, every little
detail, hon to perfection...." i dun think that was an exact quote....forgot the exact words but i think i got the general idea....Its wonderful dun you think? to be so discipline, to have so much determination. At the same time its seems that they have nothing to worry
at all, just doing what they do and concentrating on that alone, each and every person in the village has a role, and they would perfect that
job that they were born to.Translated into my context, it would be bliss, to just take photos and perfect the craft. Technical excellence. But in todays society, where
everything is so much more fast paced, you need to know more, do more, live less. Where there will be technological advancement to help
take some load of men, but that also means men have to know more and do more to stay relevant to the society. Where does it end? But
amongst all these chaos and rush, there would always be a grp of ppl who stands out, people who manage to achieve perfection in their craft
whatever craft it may be....i was told once by a fren, that there are 3 different kinds of people in the world, the Carrot, the Egg and the
Coffee.The people who come under the catogory of carrot are the weakest of people, they are hard in normal days but when you soak them
in water, they turn soft. Put them in a pressured environment and watch them crumble. Then comes the Egg people. These people are the
underdogs, looking weak and fragile.......but when you soak them, they turn hard as a rock. Now for the people that rise above the rest, the
coffee people. looking at them, they dun seem like anything, but you smell the aroma, a subtle potential. Then soak them in boiling
water.....they dun crumble neither do they turn hard....they change the color of the water...Where do i belong? Wat kind of person am i? I would love to be part of the coffee people, i want so much to be like that....but truth be told, i
think there is three of these groups in everyone of us. We are the choices we make in life and i am not about to become a carrot, futhermore
....i love coffee....thats a start. isn't it? LOL
wen.
a coffee person.
ps. thx joe. best advice giver. i added the aroma part in myself....more drama....

the List!

2006-02-22T14:16:00.000+08:00

This is my list of to-do and to buy. Its constantly changing but its more or less there...

To buy list:
. tripod legs.
. tripod head (1.ball head, 2.pantilt head)
. Ipod Shuffle
. Large format Camera

To do list:
. print foto for frame bought from Ikea
. scan fotos for archieving
. do logo, namecard, website and portfolio.
. learn a new song for my harmonica
. take portraits of frens.
. sign up for monochrome courses
. learn and try to understand 'The Zone System' by Ansel Adams
. learn how to write basic Calligraphy

ok guys.....lets hope i have to determination and persistance to do all of the above....i will update you guys on my progress....wish me luck ok?

wen

The adventures of poolopingdays.

2006-02-21T13:09:00.000+08:00

daydreams.......thats where all the adventures takes place....its like a private club where the world revoles arnd 1 person, the dreamer....i am that person. There are various kinds of people, the dreamers..(yours truly)....the do'ers.....the thinkers....the speakers....the socialist.....the lovers....the haters......and the people who just dun give a damn(rockers)
There are of cause similar intersecting trades in each and everyone of these personas....and all these are simply my own catogorization here, its not carved in stone or anything.
In many nice heart warming movies and poems or songs....the role of the dreamer seem to take on a very misunderstood, underdog role that wins the day eventually, which i feel is great, only that it might be a little over-glamorized....to me .....the dreamers almost always never amount to anything in life.....they dun do big things, they dun go nice places and they dun meet great people..
in order for the dreamers to accomplished any of the above....they would have to change their personas....the questions here is...can they remain the dreamer and accomplish things that they dream about?
If one would have a chance to peek into my report card from primary school all the way to secondary school, one would be able to see a host of different teachers from different years saying to exact same thing...."....he tends to dream to much in class....." Ladies and gentlemen....the dreamer still dreams......the adventures of poolopingdays still is happening....its all in my head...a world where anything is possible, where the person i want to be is the person that is......the trick here is .....where do you stop dreaming. and start turning dreams into goals...and then turning goals into achievements! lol....easy to put that down on writing....i believe there are only 2 things stopping a dreamer from achieving...Fear and laziness. They speak for themselves, these two traits....there is actually one more which i refuse to admit.....erm...thats being talentless....lol...

cya

valentine gifts

2006-02-17T11:58:00.000+08:00

Helo,

Valentine just passed….and I actually did not really plan anything……had a lot of things on my mind recently, did not really think about what new surprises I should spring on her. I still owe her the valentine present too, haha wat a joke…..this whole gift and surprises stuff in relationship can be real taxing at times aye? Hard to always be special and new… I think I got carried away sometimes when I keep trying to better the last present I gave her…trying to make it more special, more ‘sweet’ but in the end, I tend to always fail to actually finish it….lol, so she ends up with a last minute present to replace the one I failed to finish…at times not getting any….haha
But recently when I was telling my friend about the troubles I am having with coming out with some cool new gift for her, he replied very simply by saying ‘just gets a gift that makes her happy, isn’t that the whole point?’ That sorta stuck a nail in me, I failed to see that for quite some time now….maybe if I did not try so hard in coming up with some elaborate gift I could find something simple that might be common but who cares right? It’s the thought that counts….haha. Ok guys…..i need help here.
Oh yeah! I just chged my name! muahahaha, my mom went to a Chinese master to change them, I am no longer called glenn, so dun call me that! Just call me guowen or wen for short…..my Chinese character has changed to some old-time writing so no one knows how to read it….but its ok…looks kinda cool….as for the new Christian name….i prefer not to be called by that cause I dun really like it….sounds like some superhero.
Anyways, I am going Adelaide this arpil, get a break from everything, I think I really need it….maybe I will come back a wee bit more cheerful and optimistic and she is going with me too, I really wanted her to go with me, but now I am questioning if it was such a good idea…money, or the lack of ….cant help her much there, have been eating off her plate recently….money, the source of everyone’s problem, should I let it be mine? Maybe I should just not think about it and be happy for the fact that she is willing to come along?
Hmmm….

Wen

Back to aus for my sista

2006-02-01T12:24:00.000+08:00

Hello,

my sis went back to australia just yesterday night. it would be another year b4 she comes back, and when she does I would be out of the army!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!! (I’m not really a Christian.....but I thought it’s rather catchy)
A little worried about kim though(my dog), she is rather old….12 this yr, she is most likely deaf and getting blind….and she tires very easily. My mom was telling me that there was an occasion, she saw kim walking half way and just crumbling down on the floor, then getting back up again…..hmmmm poor dog. Anyways I will be bringing her to the Vet this Sat. I hope it would make her a wee bit better….
Anyways, this Chinese new year wasn’t very eventful for me. Did nothing and nothing happened….well at least I got double the hong bao, mine share plus abit of my sis’s share(she figured she did not need Singapore currency in aus) good for me aye?
Ok….i have nothing much to write for today, cause like I said, nothing happened for me to write about. So I am signing off with the promise to myself to work hard and not slack off.

wen

a day in a week

2006-01-25T14:36:00.000+08:00

Hey guys,

today's a Wednesday, currently sitting in for a visit as a support for any Murphy's law. Its the middle of the week and it feels like a month has gone by since the last weekend. I met up with my frens in the weekend, really enjoyed myself, has been some time since i went out with them and boy does it feel like the good old days.
Just heard recently that my dad has to go opt. his heart's main arteries seem to have a 70% blockage, which according to my soon-to-be docter sis its very dangerous. He has to go for the opt to 'balloon' the heart, if i did not get it wrong. I am worried without a doubt but is it wrong to feel this?(i hope that my dad learns a lesson from this, his chain-smoking habits, his rich eating habits and his generally unhealthy practices.) He seems to be stopping all of these bad habits for the mean time.....but as usual..i dun know how long this would last....hoping his vigilance in keeping healthy would last for as long as possible.
Death, the end of life....not exsisting, the next journey. The most unexplored 'area' that man has been unable to cover. Is that why ppl fear death? As we all know this saying all to well, "men fear what they do not know." theoretically that should be why people fear death, they know nuts about it, it makes perfect sense, whats to happen to me? where will i go? is it pain? will i forget everything that happened in my life? questions....a whole library full of them. Is people going into religion to not feel scared? to feel that something so much bigger then anything that they knew would take them into his bossom and protect them to save them. To have this personal peace of mind that would help glorify their current life? I personally dun have a religion, i wish i do sometimes but i just could not convince myself to have faith. Stubbornness?
I have this feeling that i would die young, some would say a pessimistic view but its really more a feeling then a view for me....just deep down in my gut, i have this feeling that i will go early, not some painful illness i hope. But when the time comes, i dun think i will be scared....at least thats wat i think now....i think there would be hint of excitement in me that i would hate to admit due to the fact that admitting would actually be rather ungrateful to those who does not want me to go.....or at least i hope there are actually ppl who do not want me to go hahaha just kidding....i know i am very loved.
I know the way i would want to go, i want to go smiling and my frens and love ones wishing me the best. Abit sad? i dun think so, i would feel proud, i Want to feel proud.
Ok enuff about death.....lets get back to life shall we?....the one thing that everyone does so well so naturally. the hard part now for me would be facing life without fear.....i guess everyone needs a little help here and there...i have found my help not in the form of religion but in the form or a few really wonderful people.

poolopingdays......means being clumsy like hell everyday but bouncing right back up after a fall.

the story so far.....

2006-01-19T09:42:00.000+08:00

helo,
i know i said something about working hard for this year, haha....well i haven been doing that....still feeling abit 2005ish....i am currently a game addict, playing games everyday, and doing nothing about my work....hmmm, i know i should be ashame of myself.....but i cant help it....the game is too addictive...you know lazy ppl always has an excuse for not doing something they were meant to do..But! I am working on it....reading up during "work"(serving time protecting the country by designing powerpoint slides), a book on business of photography.
My plan for getting a weekend job in starbucks is more or less dashed, dun think they will take allow An NSF to work there without proper permission from my 'superiors'. And my 'superiors' wun allow me to work until i can prove that i am in dire need of the money, great isnt it, you have to prove that you are deep enuff in shit before they offer to pull you out.....care for soldiers aye....
hiazzz...i really getting sick of serving my time here......you get treated like dirt....everyday is a battle of avoiding 'arrows' and when you decide to stop avoiding....they would just pile loads on you cause it would be easier for them to ask you to do stuff, fighting a losing battle......
Maybe thing will look brighter when i get out of this system...migration maybe? never coming back.
i am trying to live by this term which i heard in a song..."dun worry be happy" sounds easy isnt it? well newsflash, it isnt!
hmmm...pissing blood here...
ignore me.....i'm just tired....real tired.

the work YR STARTS!

2006-01-04T11:57:00.000+08:00

Helo everyone,

this is the Year 2006, there is Flying cars and robots doing work for us....at least that was pridicted by our child like imagination a few yrs back in the early 90's. "Please draw wat you think the yr 2000 would be like!"******* and there we go drawing out flying space pods(meant to be cars) Robots walking the dog, aliens from outerspace shopping on the street.
Welcome to the Year 2006, its 6 yrs after such 'andvancement' in technology. But sadly our cars still cant fly, robots are shaped like a dog with YOU have to walk and it requires you to ack like a fool in front of it before it reacts, but there are aliens .....i know a few, see them quite often, I call them my frens.
Looking back at 2005, i guess you can say it was an eventful yr for me. many things happen that i could not remeber but i can say that i changed alot the past year, the way i look at things, how i handle them, i mean, i am proud to say i been through alot the past yr, i have behaved badly quite a number of times, i have made some minor adjustments to my views in life and i have learn quite abit on how to think for others more then for myself. I realised the importance in education.....might be abit too late you might say, but i am glad its came late not never. I met some guys in my unit along the way that had a great influence on my plans for the future, and boy am i thankful for that. All in all, i have chged, not sure if its for the better but its safe to say i have grown a little as a person.
Now the year 2006, i have big plans for this year, HUGE! Its like a springboard to my life, how hard i am going to push myself this year would determine how far i can jump in future......at least that wat i feel. I hope i can keep to it, i hope i can have the determination to do wat i need to do.But this is where i can feel a little safe, cause as always my angel, munmun will always be behind me pushing me forward. She never fails to remind me of my goals in life, she never fails to make me want to work harder and she never fails to love me. Just like my family and frens. This year will be a fun year.

Post-boxing day!

2005-12-27T13:46:00.000+08:00

Hello everyone,
today is post-boxing day, according to marcus, its the third day of christmas. My Christmas was rather eventful, i went to chalet with munmun had a great time there , the down side was that it was pratically raining the whole day, and the VCD that we rented could not be played on the Xbox.
Then on christmas eve we had a christmas celebration at my house and munmun came along whoopee....great party with loads of presents. i got a vintage car from my sis and aunt, and got a starbucks voucher from my other aunt! and a tripod from my mom, which is on the way. i guess you can say that i had a nice christmas this yr...maybe next yr i would not try and hype it up so much, then i wunt be too dissapointed on how it passes by so discreetly. Now for the New yr. I am heading your way.
watch out!

wen

6 more days!

2005-12-19T09:42:00.000+08:00

Merry Christmas everyone!

6 more days to christmas....whooohhooooo!!!! jingle here jingle there....looolool...going on a chalet with my girlfren on fri.....can play the free xbox! i wonder wat kinda of presents i am getting this xmas...i know wat i am getting from my mom, a tripod! Yeah! Have not been writing in the blog for some time, and i have not been doing my work too....haizzz....always get distracted so easily.
Anyways, i hope this christmas will be a memorable one. Filled with presents, warmth and sweet things.

wen

Overseas Joy

2005-12-08T10:20:00.000+08:00

Hi everyone,
Its been a few days since i wrote anything, have been playing lots of games and watching anime that nic lend me.....well nothing much have been happening, but my sis is back! My mom and dad are happy....haha she is wat makes my family thick, ever notice that in every family there will always be that one person who makes everyone happy, even my dog was estactic....haha her tail was wagging non stop...she must have missed my sis dearly. Well alls well, she came back with this amazingly uncamped hair that looked somthing out of a jap horror movie...haha.
As for me, i am beginning to long to migrate or even just leave singapore for a while, new york, los angeles, tokyo, london, places i would love to live in. Hmmmm, the problem is .....everything i love is here, my family, my girlfren, her family, my good frens.....etc....how does anyone want to leave so badly and still not want to leave?
I am happy, my sis is back. i am surprisingly warm and relieved.

welcome home.

Horoscope.

2005-12-05T10:45:00.000+08:00

*this is a free horoscope reading that i got from ling's blog.
Sun in Gemini:
You came into this life equipped with great curiosity, a lively, versatile, inquisitive mind, and an urge for constant learning and new experiences. Your most basic inner drive is to communicate, to make connections and association (between people or ideas), and to develop your gift for language and expressing yourself through the spoken or written word.
Thus, Lim, being an intermediary or messenger, a translator, a teacher, a broadcaster, a correspondent, or in some field where you can mix and mingle and interact with a broad spectrum of people, suits you well.
Fascinated by life's seemingly endless variety and the multitude of options and choices available to you, you may flit from one person, job, hobby, or location to the next, restlessly seeking new experiences and stimuli.
Even if you do not do this in your outward behavior, inwardly your mind is in constant motion, and you require a healthy dose of variation and mental or social stimulation in your life in order to approach anything resembling contentment. Skimming lightly over the surface of life, however, can lead to a shallowness of understanding and a fluttering away of your energies.

........cool aye?

An epiphany - "The little things in Life"

2005-12-01T14:30:00.000+08:00

Hi all,

i just had an epiphany, well....actually is not a 'just' thing, it hit me about 2 days ago, i was just too lazy to type it down. There is this writer named Marcel Proust, he would write about the most trivia of matters in the most *entertaining(sorry, couldn't find a better word) way. He told us how to have a cup of tea or eat a cookie. He could spent thirty pages on the taste of a madeleine or on not being able to sleep at night. These works have the ability to reawaken our senses. Notice things that were thought not worthy of time and effort, we were in a way, ignorant, to the beauty of "The Little things in Life"
I read about this writer some time ago, and i felt that his works were inventive and orginal, but i never attempted to actually try and understand his stand and reason on things. Not until lately, when i was a little down on the things happening or not happening in my life for that matter. I was on a the bus home from camp, it was a short ride but a good one. It was raining slightly that day and i was deep in thought, i was thinking of a way in which i can change my perspective in life so much so that i would convince myself of a way to make it all better, then i thought of him, Marcel Proust, the guy who made drinking a cup of tea seem like an experience worth talking about.
After graduating from poly, and entering NS, i got so bitter along the way that i got lost, so busy spitting on the ground i stood on that i forgot. forgot that i could sip tea, eat a cookie or even just smelling the rain....
i'm back.

bye

Bored individual

2005-11-29T09:48:00.000+08:00

hiya,

hmmmmm......writing the blog sure is getting harder and harder, initially this blog was intended for any interesting things happening in my life as well as my views on certain matters and inspirations that come along, but recently nothing is actually happening around or to me.... sad to say aye? hmmmm.....first of all, i am not being inspired by anything in particular, mainly because i am not seeing anything, its wat i call the dry period when nothing seems to sink in, i become this piece of stone that repels any new information or ideas even before it has a chance to reside. Second, well.....nothing is happening, i go to 'work' or should i say serve my time....then i go home, then i try to read up on books and mags or watch a little TV then i sleep. And the next day the same thing would happen again.....what could i possibly see that could be interesting? Even on the weekends its no better, but there really is no one to blame but myself, i have no idea watsoever as to wat i can do to make things happen.
You know wat i need? i need a break....a holiday maybe? in fact, i did think of that, only one small problem......money. i Hate to admit this but i am pretty sure that my dad won me in this argument of money being everything, my stand was, no it wasn't, his stand was yes it was. but i think my stand is beginning to waver a bit, anyone care to make it strong again pls do comment. Anyway, i am not happy now, issit because of money the lack of it or NS or just the small fact that i am a really bored individual?
Hell i am already starting to daydream during work.... life's good, no doubt, but it sure to hard to pass.

seeya

fishing!

2005-11-28T10:21:00.000+08:00

Hi all who cares...,

i just unwrap a fishing rod which i wanted to get for a friend for christmas about 2 yrs ago, i did not get a chance to give him, and well.....heehee...i kept it....some friend aye....i'm so ashamed....maybe i will get him another gift this yr. Anyways, i was thinking of picking it up, fishing that is...this would be my first fishing rod....it cost me 6 bucks, HAHA, its very primitive, with just 2 thin bamboo twigs connected together in the middle and a small metal ring at the top to run the line across. The reel is just pathetic! its a small plastic piece that the line runs around, and at the other end is the hook with a colored float. to actually reel the line back is determined by how dexterous your fingers are....haha, interesting aye? i wonder if it even works....should work though....cant wait to actually test it out....
i want to fish and bring along a small bbq set, so i could barbecue the fish right after fishing, of cause i would have to scale it first. Anyone up for it? i sure it would be fun, but it would be my first time though, so expect quite a bit of cock ups...haha

Look out Fishes! here comes guowen the FISHERMAN! Muahahahahaha

byebye

Christmas Wish list to people that need ideas

2005-11-24T16:38:00.000+08:00

....its beginning to look a lot like christmas!!!
i have made a wish list.....to people who really care for me.....or just ppl who have money on their hands...lots of it....*wink*

Christmas Wish list

*good sturdy tripod with interchangeble ball head thats taller then me...even without the extention.
*Black and white Architectural Photography Book (any will do)
*Color Architectural Photography Book (any will do)
*Large Format Camera 4 x 5 (preferably monorail)
*a new set of clothing (whole attire)
*camera filters
*er.....and.....ok keep your eyes on this post....it will be updated when i remember wat i need.
*oh yeah.......and world peace.......

have a merry christmas ppl....and remember this is a season of giving....me

Achitectural photography or just LArge format crazy?

2005-11-23T00:20:00.000+08:00

Halow people,

like i said in my earlier post, my BIG plans in the near future is to become an Architectural Photographer plus interior and industrial. Why? well.....i asked myself that qns too, and its sort of a long story, too long.....i'm too lazy to type down, but i guess i can give you a short version of it, a good time to remind myself why to hell i am getting myself into such a specialized field and of all places to get specialized too.......SINGAPORE! the country that only feeds the 'jack of all trades'. OK here goes, one reason is that i ever thought of becoming an architect when i was in sec. school but i wasn't any good at math, and at that time the 'passion' wasn't enuff to give me sufficient motivation. But that did not stop a very suttle appreciation of spaces and buildings, i am afterall a visual person, and i appreciate anything that stops me in my track to breath a word of 'cool!'
Another reason would be the chance to create abstract graphical elements and shapes on a photograph, i come from a background of graphic design. And so for obvious reasons, architectural photography is a nice output for me. Of course i do have a lot of architectural photographers that i wish to emulate, people like Madeleine Isom, Helene Binet, Paul Raftery....etc...these peoples' works also have a hand in pushing me in this choice of specialization.
One reason that i am rather reluctant to admit but is quite obvious would be the fact that architectural photography gives me the excuse to fully make use of a large format camera! How can anyone say no! c'mon.......LARGE FORMAT!
I simply have an uncontrollable infactuation for LF cameras..especially monorail ones...the enormous freedom in movement , total control for perspective , unparalleled colors and resolution, forceful slowness in taking photos.......c'mon! who can say no to that....
I haven gotten myself one yet though.....dun have the money for it.......how frustrating......
And again.....its extremely hard to find one in singapore.......sucks ........the other option would be buying shift lens for 35 mm cameras....but it just isn't the same.....and furthermore, the movements are more restricted in the shift lens......the cost for a shitft lens is what i call broad daylight robbery, 2 freaking thousand sing dollars!!!....anyway i got a pic for a LF cam.....owning this or even close to this would be a dream come through.........*sigh*

- Horseman LX

just a thought..

2005-11-22T12:40:00.000+08:00

Hi,

due to the fact that i just started this blog, just like everything else that i just started, i tend to be really into it for that particular period, so here i am again typing something down again, this 'phase' i am sure will die off after some time, i hope not though....
Anyway, i just watched the last episode of "Mad about You" the other day, you know....the one with Helen Hunt as the wife and some other guy as the hubby and a dog named murry... when america Sitcoms end themselves....they tend to get abit emotional....and thats what they did....Its was about their daughter growing up talking about the lives of her parents. aka. Helen Hunt and that Guy... well....they grew old, and their parents died or at least one of their parents died.. and they broke up and got back together, what really got to me was seeing them grow old, they were an icon, ICONs dun grow old....they were not meant to! they were the perfect young married couple that i grew up watching! They did the things that i want to do with my wife when i grow up....grocery shopping...having a dog name murry.....having lousy neighbours and gossiping at them, going to the bookstores, going to the cafe, having annoying parents over.....and aguing about excuses not to go to the latest family reunion.....they were what i wanted to be. And then they went ahead and grew old on me.....what a disappointment...
Then i realised.... i still want to be like them, i want to grow old too, and have my child tell my story, like i told my mom who by the way thinks growing old is a tragedy, its a really beautiful thing. My hypothesis on this matter is that we were put here to procreate! thats its....its how well we do it....what kinda of a family do you want to leave behind says alot about you....i want to die one day, die old of course but i dun think i would be scared or sad when the day comes cause i intend to belief that i have done well, i wan to see my child and tell him or her that its their turn....good luck.

wen out.

First roll - failure?

2005-11-21T21:57:00.000+08:00

Hi everyone,

short intervals from post eh? i just got home from work and manage to bring myself to do what i have been procastinating for sometime , scan my first roll of film with achitecture shots. It kinda sucked, but...it was quite expected actually, lousy planning, bad timing, no research of site and subject and well.....not much experience to speak of as well. Perhaps the next try would be better. i just sent a roll of 100 slide film to the shop for processing, that would be my second roll.....*fingers crossed*
Anyway these pictures below were taken with an Ilford PanF ISO 50. Time taken was about late morning 10.30am. And i forgot to note down the exposure for each shot again! how unprofessional.....

First time writing

2005-11-21T11:00:00.000+08:00

Hi ppl of the world,

i am writing in a blog for the first time! after being an avid cynic of anything even close to public expressiveness....afterall, i always thought that personal views and feelings should be left behind a pile a junk courtesy of society's restriction and social ethics in the deep deep recesses of your mind. In other words, keep it to yourself.....yep. My excuse is that i am a true blue asian, i dun speak my mind......sad to say, i am not as outspoken as i wish to be, full blame goes to my upbringing....haha just kidding.....well i kinda like the way i turn out.....haha.....

Well abit about my background to those ppl who dun know me......yet (i think blogging is a nice medium for self glorifying purposes...haha....ahhhh vanity....my fav. sin)
I grew up in a small district in Singapore call bukit batok, stayed there for 14 yrs, studied in a chinese primary school where i met my best friend, then moved on to a neighbourhood Secondary school in the west coast where i met more good frens. i then moved to a place called teresa ville and then on to Southhaven 2 where i still am now. After graduating from sec. school, i went on to get a diploma in Digital media design. i guess my life really changed there, i met my girlfriend there, an angel of a lady. She changed lots of things about me....and all for the better. The once laid back- heck care- bum- attitude of mine has changed to a laid back-heck care -bum - try to work hard attitude. 3 Cheers for me!

My Goals
i want to be an architectural and interior photographer who also dabbles in industrial photography when i grow up........ i want to set up a company that provides achitectural firms the service of documenting work in progress as well advertising their porfolios.
My goals in life are endless and i dun really think its of any interest to you guys so i wun write it all down. maybe i will have hints of it in the next issue of teetoon.blogspot.com...
in conclusion....i think my first blog posting has a highly successful screening due to the fact that my girlfren will read it....
wen out......